Valentine’s Day is only 319 days away, but it’s never too early to start looking for that special someone. That’s why the Rectangle staff got together this year to write the ultimate guide to picking up chicks. All of us writers are big husky men with lots of sex appeal and multiple girlfriends, so you can trust our judgement.

Be Wet:

You ever seen one of them fancy cologne commercials? All those hunky boys are always next to an ocean and covered in water. Sweating is also a sign that you know how to go to the gym and pick up heavy things and put them back down, which chicks dig. Also, professional bodybuilders (aka The Ideal Men) slather themselves in exotic oils to make themselves even more attractive. But there isn’t an ocean nearby, sweating is hard work, and instability in the Middle East has led to skyrocketing prices of oil. The best alternative is to pour water over yourself, giving your body that sexy man shine.

Never, EVER Look Them in the Eyes:

Being a girl can be scary! There are dang creeps everywhere. Girls get catcalled and jeered at all day long on the street. To differentiate yourself from the creep crowd, be sure to never look her in the eyes. This will show that you are timid and non-threatening. Continue to never directly look her in the eyes for the duration of your relationship, as she could think that you’ve been a covert creep this entire time. Also it is a well documented fact that women will steal your soul if you look directly at them.

Fight Someone and Win:

While the ladies like a timid boy they can push around, they also want a guy who can defend them. That’s why it’s important to showcase your physical prowess. When you’re with your potential girlfriend, pick a fight with a passerby. Use the element of surprise to your advantage and just pop that sucker square in the jaw. It is paramount that you win this fight to show your dominance. That’s why it may be best to fight someone significantly younger than you, such as a child. If you don’t think you could best a seven year old in physical combat, then maybe fight something that looks like a formidable opponent. For example, if you punch a hole through a cardboard cutout of Darth Vader, she will be swooning in no time.

Take Her Out on Fun Dates and Sabotage Everything Else in Her Life

A great first date is a dinner and a movie. Simple, but who doesn’t love free food and a good film? Another good idea is to slowly destroy every part of her life that does not involve you. Steal her rent checks so she gets kicked out of her apartment. Bribe professors to fail her out of college. Write awful, dreadful letters to her parents with her forged signature so that they disown her. Do whatever it takes so that the only bright spot in her life is you. The perfect relationship starts with complete and utter dependence.

Drop a Pencil Next to Her Desk, and When She Bends Over to Pick It Up, Tell Her She Can Keep It. Then Start to Drop a Pencil Next to Her Every Day, And Each Day Write One Digit From Your Phone Number On The Pencils Until She Finally Texts You. Spend a Couple Days Texting And Getting to Know Each Other Before Asking Her Out To A Concert. Pick Her Up in Your Car, And Drive to the Venue, Making Small Talk. But Once You Get There You Realize That the Concert is Actually Next Week And You All Decide to Just Go to a Little Diner Instead. You Approach the Counter And Notice That Everyone is Hiding Under Their Tables. The Diner is Being Robbed. Thinking Quickly, You Use A Tray to Try And Smack the Gun Out of the Robber’s Hand But it Goes Off and Mortally Wounds You in the Chest. The Robber Escapes as You Die in Your Date’s Arms:

I dunno it could be pretty romantic I guess.