Horoscope for April 1, 2015

Aries (March 21 – April 19) — Today, you will encounter your soul mate while in line at a Chinese food cart that may or may not be up to the most current health codes. You will order the General Tso chicken while the love of your life orders chicken lo mein with extra fortune cookies. Unfortunately, neither of you will look up from your smartphones. The moment will be lost forever.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) — Whatever you do, do not leave your bedroom today. The outside world is cold and unforgiving. Get under an electric blanket. Order some take out.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) — Falling asleep in the library is definitely in the cards, but you have no shame. You will curl up in your North Face fleece, daring passers-by to steal any of the various electronic devices you left about your study nook.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) — You will unleash a filthy two-handed jam on an unsuspecting freshman while playing pickup basketball. I know you’ve never touched a basketball and consider yourself a “creative type” but still, go to the basketball courts, prove me wrong.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) — A very important friendship of yours will quickly dissipate after the news of your dealings with Chuck surface. You said you would never let him come between you guys, yet here we are.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) — At a frat party you will drunkenly recount the story of how you lost your virginity at that very same frat house on the very couch you and your friends are residing on at that very moment. Maybe avoid combining malt liquor and tequila for a while.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) — Venus and Saturn’s celestial menstrual cycles are in sync for a change; expect nothing but pleasant things to come your way.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) — A first date will go exceptionally well until you start blathering on about the melting temperature of structural steel. Dude, seriously, chill with all that stuff.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) — You will realize that maybe J.D. Salinger was just too far ahead of his time with “The Catcher in the Rye.” You will decide to drop out of school and become a recluse in Fairmount Park.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) — You will go running with your woes when the whole point of you going running in the first place was for you to clear your head goddammit.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) — A homeless bucket drummer busking in the subway station will compliment your smile, totally changing the amount of sh-ts you give about your civics free elective.

Pisces (Feb. 18 – March 20) — Your roommate who you never see will suddenly become a major presence in your life. You don’t really want it to happen, but hey, that’s how blackmail works.