Aries (March 21 – April 19) — Today will be the day you finally become woke. Enjoy your new feeling of enlightenment and do not miss an opportunity to inform your friends to this new development.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) — Hightail it over to one of those Escape the Room jawns with some close friends. You will all be able to, as they say, “escape the room” but you still won’t be able to escape the emotional prison you’ve locked yourself in since your significant other left you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) — Go and grab a cop’s gun right out of the holster! What are they gonna do, shoot you? No can do, copper! You have the power of god now!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) — Throw on some Al Green, don your most comfortable bath robe, light some candles and then just get in the tub and have a good cry. You’ve earned it.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) — Message all your Tinder matches “What’s the password?” and see if any of them can deliver the phrase that will allow them entrance to the speakeasy of your heart.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) — A beautifully crafted grilled cheese will find it’s way to you today. Embrace it’s warm gooeyness and be sure to get wheat bread, it’s better for your heart!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) — You won’t do the same drugs anymore. If you want zero problems let the blessings come down. They will keep falling right into your lap let me tell you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) — Trying to learn how to play the guitar in order to woo someone will never get any better. Smash that dumb instrument into the ground it’ll be very cathartic.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) — Don’t think too much about chicken fingers being made out of chickens’ actual fingers. That would ruin everything.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) — Run to the highest mountain and proclaim your definitive ranking of every Kanye West album. Your Klout score can only go up!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) — Stop using exclamation points for a while! Your friends are starting to wonder if you are trying to hide some deeper emotional trouble.
Pisces (Feb. 18 – March 20) — Treat yo’self! Grab a bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, a six-pack of High Life and play Dance Dance Revolution until the dawn breaks over the horizon.