When it comes right down to it, I’m a simple man. I like big trucks, big dogs, big boobs and President George W. Bush. I like things close to home, and my home is the heartland of the Keystone State, Pennsylvania. That’s why I’m reviewing our great state’s greatest export, Keystone Light.
After Uncle Sam and those men in Harrisburg take their share of my hard-earned family business hunting opossum, I don’t have a lot left to spend on life’s necessities like beers. Used to be I’d drive down to the Walmart south of the border in Maryland and pick up a case of Yuengling Premium, that’s until Billy Bob from three trailers over told me about Keystone. He told me, “Why y’all buying that there Yuengling beer? Ain’t you know it’s made by the damn Chinamen?” And I said, “No, Billy Bob, it’s made in New England, that’s why it sounds like “Yu-Engling,” because it rhymes. Anyway, we has this argument for several minutes until he tells me that this new beer, Keystone Light, is made in Pennsylvania and is only 10 dollars for a 30-pack. And I said, “Billy Bob, that’s almost as cheap as your sister,” but that’s another story for another time.
I picked up a case last week at the local beer distributor and sat down to write this review. The Rectangle folks said I got to put the beer in a glass for the review, and I said I don’t have no glass, isn’t a can good enough, so I borrowed one from Jim Bob in the double-wide down the way. He got all the luxuries: color TV, air conditioning, one of them clothes-washing machines. So I figured he got to have something. Turns out he has at least five glasses from his time moonshining, so I borrowed one.
Poured into Jim Bob’s Jack Daniels pint glass. Color was yellow, like a beer looks like. Had foam on the top, too, but I guess most beer looks like that too. Taste? Also like beer, I guess. Overall I’d give this beer a high rating in the beer category. But ain’t none of that’s too important.
This here is a beer that ain’t so heavy, like Bud Light and Miller Lite, but ain’t a luxury like those two. I can’t afford to drink Miller Lite all the time like them city folk do, so I’m impressed with the Keystone State’s Keystone Light beer, a locally-made high quality beer for cheap. It reminds me of other great Pennsylvania products, like Bethlehem Steel, U.S. Steel, uh, Midvale Steel… uh, I guess the Steelers and other stuff too.
Overall I would recommend Keystone Light to any Pennsylvanian who wants to support their local economy without going through them thieves in Harrisburg who keep it all to themselves. It’s a great beer for sipping on the porch, or for riding in your truck, or for drinking with your dog. They love beers too, you know.
Editor’s note: Keystone Light is produced in Golden, Colorado. It was first introduced to market in Chico, California in 1989, and has never been produced within the borders of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. We apologize for our reviewer’s ignorance of this matter, and he has been sent to The Rectangle’s Fact Checking Re-education Camp to prevent future incidents such as these.