Valentino Image web

Photo Courtesy of Patricia Demarchelier

A girl looks forward to her wedding day all her life: the day when she will be radiant and broke after caring for 300 drunken guests, but finally able to wear haute couture without getting roasted for it by her jealous cousins. Well, at least until the week after.

Designers have generously contributed their efforts to make the process as lonely as possible by stamping their name on the iconic white dress, but none so far have been able to adequately marry haute couture with the culmination of the bride’s entire purpose.

But strides have been made in revolutionizing the modern wedding. This year at New York International Bridal Week, Valentino Garavani himself announced that he was coming out of retirement to unveil his life’s masterpiece: the ready-to-wear, pasta-inspired bridal collection.

“The most fleeting modern wedding trend has been true love,” the 83-year-old designer said, “but trends are for Americans. The only thing ever constant for Italian women is the pasta. A husband will let you down, but carbohydrates never will.”

The collection was unveiled with a 21-gun salute of Valentino RED marinara sauce on the crowd. The release was delayed by 13 years as researchers attempted to achieve the ideal shade with heirloom Roma tomatoes, finding success only after settling for Jersey Fresh variety.

The carbohydrate-inspired gowns give a subtle nod to Valentino’s Italian heritage. National regions, including Valentino’s native Lombardy, are recognized with pasta shapes– featured in designs from bubbalicious gnocchi gowns to bucatini broomskirts.

While other moguls glorified female liberation with jumpsuits and crop tops, Valentino opted for an understated frock of over 10,000 hand-stitched Barilla mini farfalle shapes to feminize the bowtie.

The emphasis on elegance reflected itself in the line’s focus piece, floor-length and cream-colored in typical Valentino fashion. “Italian fashion honors the natural curves of a woman, as does pasta. You see here that the cut of the bust evokes the gentle curves of rotini,” Valentino said.

Italian celebrity lifestyle model blogger Giovannozz Lapaccio Carbonara alla Stuffed Shells twirled her finger around her spaghetti straps as we sort of understood her through her accent. “Is it art? Is it pasta? Who knows? All I know is that I am, indeed, a walking talking miracle of pasta, no matter how many kale-passionfruit-Kraft-Parmesan smoothies my followers think I drink,” he said.

The unveiling of the collection marked the end of modern marriage as we know it. Nothing will ever scientifically top the love between a woman and her pasta. After the presentation, Valentino was beamed up with the models, leaving the audience to contemplate their Valentino RED stained clothing and ask what comes next for humanity.