Leo, here’s a step-by-step guide for your day! Wake up, text your side piece (or sext your side piece), tell your significant other you love them, go shopping, secretly meet with your side piece in the mall bathroom, leave them there to get picked up by your significant other and go to a candle lit dinner, get discovered, work the conversation, invite the side piece over, and end the day with double the fun!
Luckily for you, your sign has nothing to do with your whore o’ scope today! Yay, no cancer! (gonorrhea though…)
Please take the day off king. Please. You’ve been going crazy for a while trying to match your body count to Bill Gates’ bank account and you need to stop and breathe. Let the bacterial infections catch up to you before you amass more STD’s than Thanos has stones!
Try something new! Your significant other is getting a little bored with the vanilla stuff…so switch it up! Just make sure to always communicate, stay hydrated, and if you need a safe word, here’s a couple for you to try out! “More”, “Yes”, “Ow!”, “We should do this more often” or just say one of their parents’ names.
Vir-GO WILD GIRL!!! Get lit! Get crazy! You’ll get not one, not two, not even three bodies today! Tear through the city!
The people have spoken, you are a boring prude. Today you must grab this issue by the balls and reclaim your name to fame. Go on the apps, get white girl wasted at a bar, or dial up your favorite would-fuck-anything friend so you can get your rocks off!
Give your boyfriend a big kiss today before you leave the house because its gonna be the last time monogamy will be true about your relationship! Your sexy “friend” is going to really upset things…
Aries are WILD! And FREAKY! So block your boyfriend’s contact and go get it girl! Go out on the town and get absolutely laid! Find a roster and work through it in one night and one night only!
Feeling raunchy? That sucks! You will have your last sex today 🙁 …You might want to consider investing in a new toy (or reintroducing yourself to good ol’ Mr. Sock).
Being a messy homewrecker will not be in your favor today! Be forewarned… on your way are several confrontations, abuse, interventions and angry exes coming for you. So do what you must because you’re going to have a lot of stuff to “destress” from and nobody to help you do so…
Get LOUD, girl! Your roommate needs to be out-moaned by you today! Time to show her who’s really getting it the best in the suite!
Tauruses are wildly passionate creatures! Hear them roar! They adore bodily exploration and LOTS and LOTS of fun!