High rate of concussions among Drexel football team | The Triangle

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High rate of concussions among Drexel football team

Apr. 1, 2018

Members of the improv comedy club the Drexel Football Team have suffered a remarkable amount of concussions this year, according to a new report by their personal doctor, Fuhn E. Bones.

The news comes as a shock to many, as the Football Team does not, in fact, engage in any athletic activity. Last year, it narrowly lost to the Anime and Gaming Organization in the Student Life Award for most sedentary student organization.

“We’re as surprised as you are,” said a team member who struggled to recall his name. X-rays of his head hung on the wall behind him. They did not look promising. “I don’t remember what we’re surprised about, but we’re definitely surprised.”

Advocacy groups are already pouncing on the incident, hoping to raise awareness for what they claim is a common problem.

“Comedians’ injuries are often swept under the rug,” Neaux Braner, leader of nonprofit Comedians R People 2, shouted vaguely towards the quad. “It doesn’t matter if their jokes are bad. They still deserve adequate medical care.”

While attempting to explain why slapstick comedians deserve our respect, Braner slipped on a banana peel and made violent contact with the sidewalk. She is currently at a local hospital, where the attending nurses are doing their god’s honest best not to laugh.

When asked what they planned to do to make comedy shows safer for its members, the Football Team said they had no intention to change anything.

“I mean, brain damage aside, people really think we’re funny,” team member Lafft Rack shrugged. “Who cares if we have amnesia? It’s not like we had lines to remember.”

The Football Team hopes to host a show as soon as enough of its members pass concussion protocol. They promise to give everyone a heads up as to when this will be.

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