When asked about his team’s primary goals going forward during a press conference March 20, Philadelphia Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. gave a unique insight into the direction of his organization.
“Right now, we’re really looking into a lot of different options going forward. We like the idea of horse-driven plows or maybe just some hired work. We’re also struggling to decide on what to do about irrigation systems. A lot of automated ones have good numbers, but from what I’m seeing on the field, I’d rather have a squad of elderly men carry that water instead.”
When reporters asked what Amaro was referring to, he took a second to collect his thoughts and answered.
“I know we’ve been struggling with our lack of a farm system, so I decided to take it upon myself to fix that. I’m transforming my home into a plantation and I promise you our farm will be as productive as any in the league.”
The organization has begun pumping funds into the new project in an attempt to return to the relevance of just five years ago, an uphill battle from its current position as one of the oldest and least talented teams in the league. When asked about the new direction of the organization, Chase Utley was skeptical.
“I’ve been wondering why they’ve been supplying more fruit and vegetables for lunch, and I guess this explains it. Wait, did Ruben Amaro say this would help the franchise? Ugh, we seriously talked about this last week, I tried to explain to him how a ‘farm system’ works, but he just didn’t get it, apparently. I just hope he doesn’t make me work on his farm with you know, my knees.”
Amaro has long been criticized during his time at the general manager position for the team for his stubborn refusal to embrace the modern world of advanced statistics and analytics as well as his inability to accurately gage the value of his players. A portion of his moves as general manager have functioned to effectively deplete the team’s “farm system,” sending most of the team’s prospects to other teams.
As it turns out, the reason wasn’t necessarily stubbornness, but perhaps it was a misunderstanding. Later in the press conference, Amaro had the following to say.
“I just never understood why people thought me having a farm would improve our team. People kept saying, ‘Ruben Amaro doesn’t care about the team’s farm system!’ Why would I care about farming? I manage a baseball team. I’m still a bit confused about the whole thing, but I figured we’re in such a desperate place as a team, something had to change.”
Something did change, though not really to improve the team as a whole.
Inside sources tell The Rectangle that Amaro plans to grow squash, corn and carrots with particular gusto and is planning to try for various others.
It’s rumored that this move has been a long time coming, and the main delay has been a variety of difficult decisions to be made on Amaro’s part. He has reportedly made a decision on irrigation, using manual labor over any more modern techniques, which he “doesn’t believe in.” The only decision left is whether to use a horse drawn tiller or an automatic tiller, and it appears, via Major League Baseball insider Buster Olney on Twitter, that he will go fully old-fashioned in this case as well. Some things never change.
Reports say the farm will be open for hayrides in the fall, starting in early October.