Three-time Golden Raspberry Award winner and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump made a public appearance at Drexel University’s Daskalakis Athletic Center this St. Patrick’s Day Weekend. The Donald was acting as a celebrity referee for a charity game hosted by Drexel between the Washington Wizards and the San Antonio Spurs, in a situation described by Drexel Athletics Director Generic Zimller as “unfortunate.”
Before the game began, Trump decided to take a page out of professional fighter and serial Red Bull can-thrower Conor McGregor’s handbook, going into the locker room of the designated home team, the Wizards, to give a pump up speech more seemingly cocaine fuelled and brimming with testosterone than McGregor’s own passionate rant in Boston.
The Drexel Barstool team managed to sneak into the Wizards’ room to get footage of Trump’s message to the Wizards.
“The NBA finals are a great competition. We are going to win. It’s going to be tremendous,” Trump said, as he began his speech to the squad.
Trump was then alerted by a Secret Service agent that the game was only being played for charity.
“The NBA finals are a total disaster. Fake competition. Bad. For losers,” Trump continued.
Wizards center Dwight Howard took offense to Trump’s comments, accusing the Tangerine Jesus of being unable to focus on one topic for too long, switching between talking about his own college career with the Technical Institute of Phoenix online program club team, how foreign players are taking up valuable NBA roster spots in “ a very bad deal for the economy”, and, most intriguingly, how well Ivanka moves around on the court when she plays.
“Crazy Dwight Howard needs to learn to keep his fat mouth shut. He’s jumped around from five teams in the past seven years, and he’s going to tell me I can’t stick to one thing? No class,” Trump replied in a post game interview after being told of Howard’s criticisms.
“The guy seems like a good leader, and he definitely knows how to keep a locker room unified. I’ll take what I’ve learned here today from him and try to emulate as much as I can,” Wizards’ point guard John Wall said regarding how enthusiastic Trump’s speech was.
Concluding his testimony, Trump walked out in his striped referee gear onto the DAC floor to kick off the game proceedings, where he was met with a series of boos from the crowd, most of which came from Drexel’s professors.
During the game, Trump let several fouls go, and even got in a few of his own, repeatedly tripping Spurs forward LaMarcus Aldridge whenever the latter came close to the paint. Later in the game, Trump got into an altercation with Spurs coach Gregg Popovich after calling his first foul of the game on DeMar DeRozan, who, while patting his teammate on the back, was charged with holding by Trump.
Popovich attempted to reason with Agent Orange, who was having none of it.
“Take a hike old man,” Trump whispered to Popovich.
An incited Popovich chased The Big O around the court, before the latter tried to escape the arena through the Drexel student-fan section, but was mercilessly pushed back into the hands of Popovich, who came down on Trump with the untethered rage of Alex Jones.
Following this display, Trump was carried out on a stretcher, putting the game in the hands of the Russian sideline referees. The Russians added on several minutes of additional game time allowing the Wizards to go up 15 points to tie the game up, before arranging for a double overtime which only ended once the Wizards were ahead by a point.
“Watching two of the most hated teams in the country go at it in a game officiated by the most hated guy in the world was definitely not something I thought was going to be entertaining. But when Coach Pop started absolutely hammering Trump with elbows, things started to look up you know,” a student said in a post-game interview.
Trump was reportedly placed into a makeshift hospital wing run by the staff of Drexel’s leading attraction, Urban Eatery. It’s estimated his physical recovery under the care of the Urban staff will last approximately six months, while his full psychological recovery is unlikely.