Following the announcement earlier this year including Philadelphia as a candidate for Amazon’s HQ2, we would like to propose a potential location on campus. Myers Hall has long been scheduled for demolition, and its central location would be perfect for the online shopping behemoth. With easy access to the large student body for their many human experiments, co-op internships with Amazon would soar, providing many opportunities for the school.

Speaking of opportunities, the decrease in housing shouldn’t be a problem. Just add a few extra beds to every dorm room and give the students the entire college experience by forcing suite-style living, not to be confused with tenement homes.

Obviously, having such a large business in the area would do wonders for the local economy, including the Drexel dining establishments. The Hans would have direct access to only the finest, cheapest frozen food to reheat and serve to the emaciated student body. Instead of waiting for a pizza to be cooked fresh at the URBN Eatery, you could swipe your Dragon Card and have a drone deliver Digiorno’s right to your room.

Please send help, the people here have been holding me hostage for months and forcing me to write these editorials every week. I’ve survived off eating greasy leftover pizza crusts and drinking the melting snow from the window. Tell my parents I’m alive and I love them very much, but to stop paying tuition, that’s probably the only way campus security would find me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep writing these, they’re just so…liberal.

In conclusion, there is literally no downside to Amazon HQ2 coming right here to Drexel University. Tuition would go down after the entire teaching staff is replaced by Amazon Echoes, and the student body would benefit from the increased rent and limited housing offered around campus.