Make a dash for cold hard cash | The Triangle

Make a dash for cold hard cash

Apr. 1, 2018

The economy is continuing to inflate like a balloon that is about to pop. The Drexel shaft is penetrating each one of us deeper and deeper by the day. What is one to do when funds are low and working to honestly earn what you deserve is not an option?

Just waltz into a crosswalk and sacrifice yourself to a passing vehicle. It’s as easy as 1,2,3! Get somebody else to pay your tuition and various expenses. You have to accept that you may get seriously injured, but physical health is second to financial wellness.

The only way to ensure any cash reward is to do it right. This method isn’t the easiest, but it is the most effective.

Remember that it is most important that you only do this in a crosswalk. You have to make this look like an accident, and jaywalking into traffic is just plain dangerous.

First of all, you must determine the location that you’d like this to happen. Getting hit by a vehicle is quite the production, so you want to make sure that you set the stage perfectly. However, you don’t want too many witnesses, just in case you end up actually being liable for what happens to you.

Second, and this is most important: make sure that the light is green and the walk sign is on. Any situation in which you technically have the right of way will increase your chances of getting a large payout. I have constantly been almost plowed over by impatient cars who make turns while I’m in the middle of the crosswalk. Little did I know that instead of stepping back or stopping, I could let them hit me and possibly collect a lump sum of cash. Sad.

Better yet, I suggest going to a crosswalk that does not require a traffic signal to cross. For this, you should somehow acquire a speed gun to determine how fast each vehicle is going. This is important because you do NOT want to die while trying this. Sure, that may mean that your student loans and any other debts might be dissolved, but then you can’t live to revel in the money that you will win!

Lastly, remember to make the moment of impact as dramatic as possible. Dive in front of that car if you can. Scream at the top of your lungs and cry your eyes out. Hopefully, the driver will feel bad enough to get out and exchange information with you, but if they don’t, too bad. You’ll have to try again some other time.

Of course, this is extremely dangerous and risky, but if it works out in your favor, what you will earn will be very rewarding.

This method is for other people like me who are struggling to get by and are drowning in crippling debt. I am sick and tired of wasting all of my waking hours at a job that pays just above minimum wage. My measly, bi-weekly paycheck is barely a reward for my toil.

This is also the best way of earning money for anyone who is simply too lazy to put in any work to do so. Don’t give in to the constant pressure from society; you don’t need a job.

Earn your money by any means you want; who I am to judge? I just hope that all of you who are financially struggling benefit from my helpful tips.