While bread-and-butter Americans are worried about the IRS scandals, the advent of affordable health care and the insidious leftist agenda, a new homegrown threat is lurking in our own homes. Just last week, an Oregon family was held hostage in their bedroom and forced to call 911 after a rabid, 22-pound predator mauled their child. This vicious beast was none other than their pet cat.
While political fat cat lobbyists like the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Humane League and the American Association of Cat Enthusiasts would like the public to think that this attack was an isolated incident, a simple Bing search reveals that house cats are prone to violent, angry and even sociopathic behaviors. They are responsible for a noticeable decline in native bird populations, spreading the virulent Toxoplasma virus and ruining tasteful furniture. Most feline criminal scholars will point to the case of Lewis, of Fairfield, Conn. In 2003, he set new legal precedents by being placed on house arrest after repeatedly attacking the Avon Lady.
Besides their clearly aggressive behaviors, cats possess a number of less noticeable, terrible traits. While dogs, goats and cows serve valuable services for their human owners, cats spend the majority of their time sleeping. Not only are they lazy, but they expect to be fed and housed. These mangy freeloaders are the epitome of welfare culture and are actually trained to be lazy by their promiscuous unwed mothers.
Not only do they accept our food and shelter without so much as a thank you, cats also enjoy premium medical care and free contraceptive treatments. While hardworking Americans have long understood the value of earning their health insurance through holding steady jobs and staying healthy, cats suffer from a number of health issues brought on by their own degenerate lifestyles. Cat obesity in the U.S. is the highest in the world, thanks to their guaranteed food supply and zero desire to move. Cats also spread an insidious version of the AIDS virus, thanks to their lack of sexual morality.
But let’s take a look back at the aforementioned most recent case of cat-on-baby violence. We are told that the animal had a history of violence, but convinced its owners that it was “harmless.” And even after they appeased it with food, shelter and love, the ravenous 22-pound beast still attacked their beloved baby. The animal could have done serious damage to the family, had it actually been larger than a casserole dish.
Scientists have long since agreed that if house cats were the size of compact cars, they would likely have pushed humans to extinction long ago. And while most cats retain a fairly diminutive size, there is nothing in the Theory of Evolution to suggest that they won’t one day grow as large as lions. We could be harboring the greatest threat to our race right in our own homes. The next time you go to the shelter to adopt a kitten, remember that it could one day grow into 22 pounds of feline rage.
Dr. R. A. Furenstein is Purrfessor Emeowitus at the Department of Feline Studies at Drexel University. He can be contacted at [email protected].