There are far too many University Housing options on Drexel’s campus. I can barely decide what sauces to put on my food at Cucina Zapata, so you could imagine that choosing where I’ll live in misery for an entire school year isn’t any easier.

To save other students like me from this crippling indecisiveness, Drexel University should merge all of their residential communities together into one massive mega-dorm.

Not only do students no longer have to deal with the burden of choice — they will all be treated as equals and given the same opportunities, just like the successful Communist societies before us.

I imagine that this new building would be about five times the size of University Crossings with Drexel’s name emblazoned across the top of the building, lit up with an incandescent glow.

This would be an incredible opportunity for the university’s name to shine over all of Philadelphia, just like the Bat-Signal, so it can assert our dominance over the rest of the city.

If all of the residence halls were demolished, there would be enough room to build this colossal community. Caneris could be converted into another dining hall that will be open every weekday until 7 p.m. and be closed on the weekends. Maybe a 7-Eleven can be built there, because we definitely need another one. Another Starbucks wouldn’t hurt either.

American Campus Communities properties can stay, I guess. I don’t think I’m legally obligated to get them kicked off campus. The residents of these building signed their souls to ACC, so that’s their problem now.

The multiple housing options that Drexel currently offers has also perpetuated the segregation of students. What makes the Learning Communities in Myers any better than anyone else? Just because their GPA, an arbitrary figure, is higher than mine, that doesn’t mean they deserve more privilege than the rest of us. However, they do live in Myers, so … maybe they really aren’t more privileged than me.

Suite-style dorms, of course, cost more than traditional style ones. Students with more money to burn can assert their dominance over others and pay for a room that doesn’t make them claustrophobic — the nerve! I’m sick of the obvious inequality at this school; it’s time that we are all treated the same.

Having one huge residence hall will mean that every student will be entitled to a suite-style room, with so much space that they will never want to leave. This amenity will also help Drexel lure students into being bound to a four-year University Housing contract.

All of the residents of this mega-dorm would have equal opportunities to make friends with each other. To fit Drexel’s entire hoard of residential students, there would have to be about 100 floors with about 150 rooms on each. Every floor would be co-ed, and there would be no major-specific communities.

There’s no better way to force people to communicate with one another by stuffing them all into the same living space and watch what chaos ensues.

Drexel seems to constantly struggle to house its students, and this is an evident solution to that. Equal-opportunity housing would be guaranteed for everyone. Isn’t that the kind of campus housing you want to live in?