dick dude

As I was watching the news today, I was appalled when my vision was accosted with the image of women running around with their nipples out. Their nipples! Can you believe it? That’s so inappropriate. They seduce men and other women with those things. After further research, I discovered that this was the so-called “Free the Nipple” movement. And from that, I was inspired and angry and a little turned on, but that’s just between you and me.

I was jealous of the freedom that these women had. Here I was with my testes in my really tight skinny jeans, suffering in silence.  SILENCE. My children were being suffocated slowly by my tighty whities and there was nothing I was doing about it because society has shut out the testicle from it’s PC little world. But apparently not the nipple. So that was when I decided to stage a revolution. My own free the testicle movement. I was gonna free-ball it. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life.

I got home, threw on my favorite pair of basketball shorts and decided to take a stroll in the nice spring weather. Down under, I experienced freedom I had never felt before. It really reminded me of Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball music video. Like a freely swinging pendulum, my nether-section was experiencing levels of comfort I’d never felt before.

But this new-found liberty was cut short by judgemental stares. Mean, ugly judgemental stares. At me. At my freely blowing member. I saw one family avert the eyes of their children as if I had something to hide. I was not hailed a hero like those nipple-bearing women. Skanks. Fuck them, you know?

How cum women get to run around making a fuss about how they have no freedom but they can whip out their jugs, their melons, what have you, to feed their babies and if I whip out my dick to feed something or even just so I can get a breather, they want to put me on the sex offender list? Whores.

I know this is ballsy for me to say, but let’s face it guys, this is all what we want. What we need. We need to fight for our male privilege. These women have no idea how hard it is to cup up your junk day in and day out. They should just suck it up and let us have our fucking freedom! Let my discostick just have its public party. It’s not hurting anyone. It just wants to be free. Sluts.

Let me just be clear: this isn’t about nudity, this is about freedom. The freedom to take a walk without wondering if I’ll ever be able to have children again. I want freedom for my testicles. #FreetheTesticle