Let’s take Drexel University and push it somewhere else!

Drexel University isn’t in a great location, when you really think about it. Sure, 30th Street Station is right there, and we have convenient access to Center City, but is it really worth it? With DrexelALERTs coming in day after day about shootings, stabbings and, of course, cookie truck robberies, we just have to face it: We live in a bad place. Student housing is collapsing, local infrastructure is decaying and rents just keep going up year after year. The climate is proving more and more unfavorable, with nearly the entire winter term cancelled due to inclement weather. And those snooty University of Pennsylvania kids everywhere! Ugh!
Land is scarce, and President Curly Fries wants to build over the Powelton rail yards just for us to have breathing room. It’s just not worth it to have a university here anymore. But we still want that Drexel experience, right?
So I have a revolutionary idea: Let’s take Drexel University and push it somewhere else!
It won’t be hard. We just need a concerted effort from all Drexel students and faculty. Here’s how it will work:
Enormous trees, that have grown straight and true, will be felled from Fairmount Park and transported down 34th Street to campus. Each building will then be raised from its foundations and the logs inserted underneath. As the buildings are rolled along on the logs, laborers will take logs from behind the building and place them in front. Other laborers will push the buildings along. They will be moved out of town on Lancaster Avenue, to avoid overpasses, and from there, well, who knows?
These are tried and true methods for moving heavy objects, pioneered by the Egyptians to build the pyramids. We have no structure on campus as large as the pyramids, so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work for us. Through these methods, we could move the entire University as far as West Chester, Pa., in as little as a year.
How will we move the buildings? Why, student power, of course! Students will be required to do four to five hours pushing per day while classes are in session. Teaching assistants, equipped with “encouragement sticks,” will ensure discipline and consistent work from the student body. Contributing to the transportation of the University will count as a four-credit course. Extra shifts earn you more points, while slacking off results in a failing grade. Thus, students will be motivated to work harder and get the job done more quickly.
Of course, classes will still be held while the University is in motion. We have portable generators to keep the buildings powered, and running water can be maintained through the use of huge rainwater tanks mounted on rooftops. Students will be provided with the option of using seatbelts in class, of course. There will be no noticeable effect on the academic calendar.
Each college will be responsible for its own buildings: the Antoinette Westphal College of Media Arts & Design will move URBN and its annex, The College of Engineering will move Bossone, Curtis, and Randell, and so on.  Students living on-campus will be responsible for moving their own residence halls, and Greek organizations will have to move their own buildings as well. We could even make a competition out of it!
Through these methods, we could move the University anywhere we wish with minimal financial investment. Imagine the view from Millennium Hall’s study lounge, overlooking the boardwalk in Atlantic City, N.J.! Or taking a break in the Northside Dining Terrace, at the foot of a ski slope in the Poconos! For those of us less inclined to winter weather, you could be sitting on the porch of the Rush building, sipping mint juleps, from the infield of Churchill Downs!
Why stop there? Push the school to Colorado Springs, Colo., to Daytona Beach, Fla., to Tijuana,Mexico! Attach pontoons and row or sail the University across the ocean to England, or Spain, or even all the way to Australia! The possibilities are limitless!
Those of you naysayers might find problems with my plan. “How will we get our mail?” you might ask. And it’s true; your address will likely change daily. But that’s just one little issue in an otherwise flawless plan. If Columbus had gone around asking questions like “Well, how will I get my mail?” or “What if we run out of supplies?” or “What if the natives are hostile?” he would have never discovered America. Instead, he just went with it, and sent his mail when he got back, and resupplied by enslaving or slaughtering the aforementioned hostile natives and taking their food. And for his exemplary can-do American attitude, he has a national holiday named after him. Drexel University is capable of the same.
Really, the only issue is figuring out where to move. Students will, of course, have a say, but that’s something I would leave up to the administration. Finding a location that pleases everyone will be impossible, of course, but there are so many good options that it should be easy to keep everyone reasonably happy.
It’s time for us, as a University, to pull up the roots. Drexel has been a fixture of West Philadelphia for nearly a century, and frankly we could use a change of scenery. We have an army of cheap, expendable labor at our hands, and an easy way to keep them motivated and interested. Why waste money on acquiring expensive urban land and paying ridiculous city property taxes, all for an “Innovation Neighborhood”? Why not move to Texas, where land is cheap and taxes low?
The future of education is mobility. Let’s prove it, take Drexel University and push it somewhere else.

Justinian I is the Eastern Roman Emperor. He retook Rome from the Ostrogoths, and sponsored the construction of the Hagia Sophia. He can be contacted at [email protected].