Photo courtesy Brexel Hookah

Photo courtesy Brexel Hookah

A very strange thing happened to me recently: a man at the Dragon statue called me a whore. Now, I’ve been called a slut, a tramp, or a skank before; the usual thing sorority sisters tell each other. But he said it with such conviction that it really caused me to re-examine my life. I don’t really know how I got into this life of sin. Probably when I started accepting money for sex. But now I’m determined to only sell my body as part of a marital relationship, like Jesus intended — and it’s all because I got called a mean name.

I think it’s an approach the whole university should adopt. It’s just so much easier to get through to people when you can talk to them on their level. Imagine being in recitation and someone keeps asking stupid questions — shouldn’t the teaching assistant be able to tell that dumbass to shut the fuck up?

I’ve got to wonder just how much time and money Drexel spends on public relations. There’s always such carefully worded emails coming from President Fly, when we all really know what he means is to flip us the double bird. Let him come out and say it! And when the next student satisfaction survey comes out, we’ll tell him to eat shit and die.

There’s so many different people that could be helped by a campus culture that’s more open to plain speech. Take my friend Yang, for example. You might’ve seen him around, he’s the one Chinese kid that plays “League of Legends” in class all the time. (You know the one.) Like a lot of international students, he picked an English name and goes by Ronald. Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if he could just use his summoner name, Fuckboy? You’ve got to respect people’s identities, you know.

Stressed students probably need this change the most. I always see coloring book and therapy dog sessions, and it’s kind of ridiculous. I like petting a bitch as much as the next girl, but is that really what they need?

When I was young I never really had a problem with stress. When I thought I was too busy to get all of my homework done, my dad had a saying that would always get me through. “Suck it up. Quitting is for losers.”

That one is also a great home remedy for when you’re sick and cuts that are only in a vein. And I used it all the time when my mom couldn’t wait until payday to get the next hit. Nursing students take note!

Now, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this. The Bible says you shouldn’t take the Lord’s name in vain — so when you swear, you’ve got to really mean it. When I hand out flyers to my sisters to get them to repent, I don’t just say where they’ll end up (in Satan’s bowels), but I mention specifically how his infernal gut flora will grab them by the pussy and pound them in the ass until they confess their sins. It’s been going so well, the hazing committee was taking notes!

So let’s tell it like it is. Readers, you need to re-examine your fucking life.