BJ Shaft

BJ Shaft

Journalism is a lie. Reality isn’t really reality at all. Everything you think you know is probably wrong because papers all over the world have been deceiving the public for decades on behalf of Russia, publishing deceptive and incorrect facts.

If you know all of this, it should come as no shock that The Triangle is also fake news. SAD!

I have it on good authority that the organization has been planting clues about being fake for years now and indeed that the editors make up all their news after drinking bottles of cough syrup and collaborate with those tricky spam artists constantly bombarding our Drexel email inboxes.

But what do you expect? They’re journalists! Journalists love to glorify and praise the traitors of the United States like the jailhouse escapee Crooked Hillary and that old Jewish communist Bernie Sanders. They even call President Donald Trump mean names like “racist,” “misogynist” and “xenophobe.”.

Oh, and here’s a truth bomb — Triangle reporters never even interview most of the people quoted in their news articles. I overheard one tiny, ugly staff member once say to another it was easier to make up the quotes themselves and then the next week do you know what I saw on the front page?! A RETRACTION. (Damn fools got caught for once …)

Plus, I’ve talked to numerous Drexel officials about the things they report — like students being dissatisfied with the library or the dining plans — and they tell me none of it is true. I hear 420 percent of students are satisfied with 69 percent of things going on on campus at all times. There you have it, folks. Straight from the top. Those people must know what’s up because they are up (on the totem pole).

Anyways, I always tell people that I haven’t trusted a thing they report since I came to this damn school. In fact, I’ve turned to DrexelNews, the University’s mass propaganda machine, for all my Drexel news. Even still, you’ve got to really weed through their pieces to determine what’s true and what’s not. It’s like a scavenger hunt for facts! I like to read it a little akin to how my grandma reads the Bible — with a whole lot of panache. See what you want to see. Take some creative liberties. Everything is up for interpretation.

My point here, people, is that Drexel University’s “independent” student newspaper isn’t worth a goddamn lick, let alone a read. These reporters have an agenda. I haven’t quite figured out what it is yet, but I’m working on it, as my well-strung cork board can attest. And if you have any conspiracy theories about it feel free to whack off an email to me at [email protected]. And if you’re picking up what I’m putting down, feel free to add me on Woke Dating — the only site where free thinkers can find others who share their really-real-reality-based lifestyles.