Piper Upper, assistant vice director of the office of unnecessary construction, made all campus traffic lights blue and yellow April 1 in a last ditch effort to increase school spirit.
Following poor attendance at every sporting event, campus bonding activity and university pride orgies, every traffic light on campus now hypnotically flashes Drexel colors, thanks to Upper’s initiative.
Contrary to popular belief, the lights do not correspond to “stop” and “go.” The blue and the yellow signals both indicate to drivers that “Ambition Can’t Wait.”
“We support this initiative one-hundred percent,” Nathan Bluesgold, senior director of the office of unnecessary construction, said in front of the 69 car pile-up at the intersection of 33rd and Market streets. “Anyone who followed our 2016 speedbump campaign knows — traffic infrastructure has always been an issue that’s near and dear to our hearts. Plus, school spirit is a priority to us, and honestly, it’s the only issue we can think of to work on.”
The project was allegedly paid for by the surplus of tuition money provided by 2017’s massive incoming freshman class. The funding was originally intended to go towards the construction of new dorms to accommodate the students, but Drexel has assured students that the sales from his handmade crafts will definitely cover it.
Travelers had mixed feelings about the change in standard traffic protocol.
“Honestly, it’s a little confusing,” Dirk Nirk, a sophomore majoring in mechanical engineering, said. “Like, green used to mean go, and red was stop, and yellow was slow down. Most of those colors aren’t there any more. It makes me feel a little blue, you know?”
“How the f— am I supposed to get to work?” Non-Drexel-affiliated commuter, Ricky Bobby, exclaimed in frustration. When told that Ambition Can’t Wait, the commuter became visibly upset. He was offered a voucher for One Ambitious Meal at the Hans.