Facing severe financial troubles, Drexel University has announced that the University of Pennsylvania will be absorbing Drexel. As Drexel explains in a press release, this move will allow Drexel to pay off $700 million of debt accrued from paying university executives with UPenn’s endowment.

While specific details are still being worked out, UPenn has said that it plans to integrate as many Drexel colleges into UPenn. All faculty will gain privileges in the UPenn Faculty Senate at the beginning of the next academic year. 

John Frye, the last president of Drexel announced in an email, “This marks the tragic end of a historic university. I must sadly write that Drexel will no longer continue to operate. However, as the former chief operating officer of UPenn, I know that you will be in good hands. To the graduating class of 2024, I will be graduating with you as I must announce that this is my last year as well. I will be moving on to oversee the effort of building more squash courts at Princeton University.”

Jeffrey Moon, a first-year undergraduate student at UPenn is not pleased about this announcement. He is frustrated about “stupid Drexel students lowering SAT scores, expanding the student:faculty ratio from 1:1 to 2:1, blowing up the acceptance rate after Penn decided to honor this year’s Drexel admissions offers, and leeches who haven’t gone through the effort of being national champion in Science Olympiad.” 

However, he does appreciate having more food truck options. He reports that he does not see himself becoming friends with any Drexel students and plans on attending a protest against this merger this weekend with the student group Students for Penn. The group has been criticized for chanting “From the Schuylkill to the 37th!”

When asked if calling for violence against Drexel students violates Penn’s code of conduct, Lis McKil, a UPenn law professor, replied, “That is a context-dependent decision, Mr. Journalist.”

On the other side of the debate is William Summerhill, a graduating fourth-year undergraduate student at Drexel. As a student in the BS+MD program, he has been provisionally guaranteed medical school since the day he stepped foot on campus. UPenn has agreed to honor all bridge program agreements.  As an aspiring trauma surgeon, he is very excited to see all the shooting victims coming into the Penn Presby Trauma Center. On this note, Jeffrey comments that “it is extremely unfair for Drexel students to have automatic acceptance to Wharton, Perelman, or Carey.” William is also happy that he can wear his UPenn merch around Drexel’s campus without looking disloyal.

Aidan Ban, the president of TKE, a Drexel fraternity, sees the issue differently. “This is not about prestige. This isn’t about co-op. This is not the time for violence. This is a time for the biggest rager of the year. We will be collaborating with Zeta Psi to host a joint Drexel-Penn party! Guys $100, girls bikini or mini skirt.” Zeta Psi is a UPenn fraternity known to make their pledges buy a new Rolex and smash it.

Gio Gong is a professor at the Wharton School of Business. While they believe that they are not in a position to question the decisions of administrators, they explained that this decision will likely harm all students: “As UPenn becomes seen as the easy Ivy, there will be many more students who apply next year. It’s basic supply and demand. As demand goes up, the price of the product, which is tuition in this case, will go up.” 

UPenn’s financial aid office has declined to comment on future financial aid package decisions. Deli Park, a professor at the Drexel School of Economics offered a different view: “UPenn’s presidents never seem to last very long which means they won’t have a decade to get a $2 million salary. Those cost savings could be passed on to students.” 

Professor Park is one of the professors getting laid off by Drexel at the end of the year.

According to an Opinion piece published in the Daily Pennsylvanian that “intends no disrespect to Drexel students,” this merger would lead to a lower quality of education, contagious civic engagement, decreased student morale, higher tuition, loss of institutional reputation, income inequality, racism, assaults, the return of the dinosaurs, climate change, global nuclear war and mass extinction. The Rectangle has published its own Opinion piece refuting the Daily Pennsylvanian.
To our own readers, do not fear! The Rectangle is flush with cash and has decided not to merge with the Daily Pennsylvanian. We are determined to provide another perspective on the UPenn campus, and we look forward to publishing important information about our new school. For members of the Daily Pennsylvanian or any current UPenn student, we encourage you to [email protected]. We would be happy to have you!