If you’re reading this right now then you must be one of The Triangle’s countless adoring fans. Sometimes it feels that The Triangle may even be getting a bit too big for their britches, and it may soon be catching up with them.

An inexperienced, heartless hack of a writer who goes by the name of Michael Duffin has infiltrated the ranks of The Triangle and has been working to seed the sows of the paper’s very destruction over the course of the past two quarters. You may ask and exclaim and scream and cry, “But no! This cannot be! Not my Triangle! What kind of monster would do this? How could we let this happen?” But the answer is more simple than it may initially seem. He just walked into one of their weekly Wednesday meetings and started writing, as any other simpleton could.

Michael Duffin, hereafter referred to as “The Hack,” weaseled his way into this organization and has been working to gradually deteriorate the integrity of The Triangle by writing journalistically questionable, potentially unethical, and just plain sloppy articles. Reading through most of his work it would appear that he has no consistent views, no heart, no soul, which is further evidenced by his scarlet hair, no fingers, no lips, no liver, no femur bones and seems to just throw out buzzwords with an either negative or positive adjective he looked up in a thesaurus and attempts to pass that off as criticism. It’s disgusting and I for one cannot stand seeing such a heinous crime being committed upon our beloved newspaper.

Let’s look most recently at The Hack’s review of The Neighbourhood’s recent self-titled album. Inside sources that have told me that The Hack knows very little about music and production and should likely be the last person to judge an album on the validity of those things. He does not even know what a chord progression is! And this man is going to try to tell you what constitutes a “good” or “bad” album. He tries to use words like “discography” and “incohesive” to make it seem like he knows what he is talking about when he truly doesn’t. He had to Google the name of the lead singer of a band he claims to be a big fan of. In fact, The Hack confused the general idea of music with the tyrannical regime of Kim Jong-un and forced the extremely handsome and talented Matthew “badboy” Coakley to stay up all night editing it.

He’s a fake fan and a cruel lover and should be fired from the staff immediately! Notice how he writes so cavalierly about BORNS’ album “Blue Madonna” as if he didn’t just break the heart of the one person in this world who truly cares about him. He simply lists the songs in the album and just compares the artist to others like David Bowie and ABBA because he doesn’t know how to critically approach the subject matter. Again, he confused BORNS with the Supreme Leader of North Korea, resulting in an unnecessarily convoluted article. He just compares it to things that the music reminds him of to pretend he knows, understands, and appreciates those classic artists.

The Hack mostly seems to stick with reviews of Netflix originals, most likely because he is a cheap miser who refused to ever take me out on a real date for once. Are there any real, tangible criticisms in his review of “The Cloverfield Paradox”? Nope. In fact it also sounds as though he actually thought the movie would just be a still image of a field filled with clovers for 90 minutes straight. He said he didn’t like the fourth season of “Grace and Frankie” because it was “too dark” but he gives no real reason as to why that’s a bad thing! Maybe he just has bad eyes! His criticisms are probably only due to early onset glaucoma and he’s too much of a dullard to realize it! The show has always tackled dark subject matter but he just wanted to be contrarian about it because he’s ashamed of how much he loves the show. He must know deep down that we belong together but he’s too chicken shit to ever commit.

I also know for a fact that his review of Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl Halftime Show (brought to you by Pepsi) is completely biased. In truth The Hack is just jealous of Timberlake’s vocal range and talent and his ability to get away with cultural appropriation. Additionally, The Hack was scarred as a youth when he attended his first grade school dance and was brutally assaulted by a pack of rabid seagulls while he danced to Timberlake’s 2006 hit “SexyBack.” Which thinking about it was a very strange choice for a grade school dance, but I guess that’s a topic for another day. The point is, ever since that day, The Hack has had a vendetta against Timberlake’s career, scoffing at the critically acclaimed “20/20 Experience” and revelling in the poor reception of Justin’s latest album “Man in the Woods,” saying it was trash even though he secretly cries to it every night, alone and naked in his room.

It’s truly a shame because The Hack’s career started out with such promise with his review of “Blade Runner 2049” in which he poured his heart out and praised the movie for all of its successes and mastery in film but ever since the quality of his writing has just deteriorated and the Triangle is better than this. I wish he would pour out to me just once like he does for The Triangle. I demand he be removed from the staff swiftly and with great determination. He is a disgrace to The Triangle, Drexel University, Jawn A. Fries, the Greater Philadelphia Area, The United States, North Korea and humanity itself. I hope he is assassinated by his primary care physician.