Fast food chains to replace the Hans, students rejoice | The Triangle

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Fast food chains to replace the Hans, students rejoice

Apr. 1, 2016

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In a burst of unprecedented action, Shodickso Ltd. recently cancelled its contract with Drexel Dining, ending the era of the Handschumacher Dining Hall. The Hans announced via a poorly organized MySpace page that the dining hall would serve its last meal to students on April 1, 2016.

“Regrettably, the infamous [sic.] Handschumacher will be closing its doors for good this week. Stay tuned to hear more about the exciting dining options, unfortunately sans laxatives, coming soon!! #DrexelDining #GoDragons” read the MySpace update, posted at 11:11 a.m. March 31.

After tracking him down, The Rectangle forced Handschumacher Manager Bob Shunningham to put down his mayonnaise sandwich and talk to a reporter to reveal as much information he had. “I literally can’t tell you anything. Like nothing. Please leave me alone. I’m not allowed to talk to reporters without my lawyer present. Hey! No Photography!” he exclaimed.

Luckily, the Rectangle reporter got out of the manager’s office safely. However, they somehow managed to contract E. coli from just standing in the Hans.

Thanks to some of the ladies at the hostess stand, The Rectangle still managed to get the full scoop. Though they wish to remain unnamed, these ladies told the Rectangle that the Hans was being shut down due to an amassing of legal cases recently filed against Shodickso. Shodickso couldn’t continue to pay for lawyers willing to fight for their rodent-infested business, so they decided to end their contract with Drexel Dining.

Additionally, those lovely ladies informed The Rectangle of what would be taking over the space once the Handschumacher joins the Shaft in the ever-growing cemetery of Drexel’s mistakes. According to the women, the spaces of the dining hall will be taken over by popular 24-hour fast food chains. Among these is expected to be a Starbucks, a Starbucks express, a small Cinnabon stand, a Nandos (to remain culturally aware), a Dairy Queen and a Taco Bell.

Students had mixed feelings about the news. Freshman mechanical engineer Soh Hungri replied to the reporter’s questions between mouthfuls of expired sushi. “I think… it’s just awful… that they’re taking away this magnificent Dining… Hall… Oh my god this Sushi is amazi-burp,” Hungri expressed.

However, senior Frank Daag was excited. “This place has been ruining student health since the day it first opened its doors,” he began, sipping his cappuccino from Shmoe Coffee next door to the Hans. “I’m still fuming over their lack of vegan options. What a disgrace! Good riddance!” Daag huffed.

Whatever your view on the Hans, we at The Rectangle are here to provide you with quality stories and true facts – stay tuned for updates as more information about the Hans becomes available.

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