President Frizzle Fries has been in the University City spotlight in recent weeks after a UPS delivery mistake outed him as the Office of Student Life’s surprise participant in the Drexel Drag Show later this April. Fries is known for pushing the boundaries of campus engagement and rallying behind everything that seems to be popular with the students nowadays, so this development surprised few.
It’s no secret anymore that the President’s Office has been receiving plainly wrapped packages addressed to a “Hot Potato“ on a daily basis since Nov. 2015. The contents of said packages remained a widely-debated campus mystery until one of the parcels was mistakenly dropped in the mailbox of professor Fran Friskill. Needless to say, Professor Friskill was taken aback when he opened the box, expecting his “just literature buffs” temporary tattoo pack and found rather different contents. Taking inventory, Friskill found that the package contained two female wigs, a pair of six-inch stilettos, three months worth of fake eyelashes, butt padding, fishnets, and a bottle of chardonnay.
“Well, I honestly didn’t know what to think at first. I was expecting a bigger package, so it was a little bit of a relief when it wasn’t for me,” Friskill confessed. “I didn’t know what this ‘hot potato’ was doing with all that stuff. But I thought to myself, ‘if I were him, I would watch my UPS tracking a little more closely.’ You don’t want this sort of thing getting into the wrong hands,” Friskill concluded, as he rummaged through Fries’s treasure trove, and waved around a hot pink stiletto.
“Do you think I could pull these off?” he asked with a wink.
This revelation comes only a few weeks after Fries accidentally made Drexel’s Schuylkill Meters announcement wearing bright red lipstick. While Fries was speaking to Drexel students and some of Philadelphia’s swaggiest professionals about Drexel’s plans for campus expansion, Electrical Engineering sophomore Frankie Faraday noticed something different about the university president.
“I was just listening to his speech and I started staring at his face, since he’s such a good looking fella, and I thought his lips looked a little chapped. They were really red. I kinda squinted and parted the afro of the guy in front of me to get a better look, and that’s when I realized– he was wearing lipstick!” Faraday exclaimed. “I couldn’t believe how well he pulled it off, and then my friend who was sitting next to me nudged me and said Fries also had some smokey eye going on. He was really looking good. It was a big day for him, so I’m glad and all. I tell you what, that man is a silver fox,” Faraday proclaimed.
Since the UPS slip-up, the Office of the President has been open with the press about recent renovations paid for by third party developers, to outfit Fries’s office with a stripper pole and confetti cannons. According to Fries himself, who has trouble getting out of the office on weekdays, this has made it notably easier for him to rehearse his routine with famous drag queen JuJu Bean, who will be performing alongside Fries onstage.
“I really don’t want to reveal too much too soon. I want everyone to have something to look forward to,” Fries explained. “However, I will say that I think JuJu and I have put together a nice number that’s impatient, unpretentious, and a little fearless. And best of all, it draws attention to my squash-toned legs,” he continued, smugly raising one leg of his trousers to prove his point, revealing a freshly waxed and tanned specimen.
“I know students overheard Britney Spears’ “Work Bitch” blasting from my office that week I broke my headphones, so I’ll just say it now– I chose it because the message speaks to me. Plus, my hips practically take off by themselves to that beat,” he confessed with a small chuckle.
Because Fries had to work on his splits and was understandably crunched for time, The Rectangle wasn’t able to obtain any further information about the president’s practice routines or Amazon orders at this time. However, closing the interview, Fries batted his lovely long lashes and, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, whispered to us that he couldn’t wait to slip into his spanks.