President Daddy Fryz was escorted out of Main Building in handcuffs the morning of April 1 after an extensive assisination plot was uncovered, police say.
The conspiracy unraveled last Thursday when a Drexel University Facilities worker was repairing a broken drawer in the President’s office. When the worker removed the drawer, he noticed a hand-written list hidden underneath an unidentified woman’s panties.
“It had many names written on it, some of them already crossed off,” the worker, who asked to remain anonymous, told The Rectangle. “I couldn’t believe my eyes!”
The worker immediately called Public Safety but decided to go directly to Drexel Police when nobody showed up after three hours.
Police raided the President’s office in the early morning hours, just as Fryz was sitting down with his usual cup of tea and making his regular calls with government officials from Licenses and Inspections.
By the afternoon, police said it was clear Fryz conspired to assassinate the characters of several people who have wronged him.
Investigators searching the office found defaming pamphlets, Twitter account credentials for @ciccmaher and a map detailing caches of assault-style writing utensils stored around Drexel’s campus.
Included on the hit list was former professor George Ciccariello-Maher, professor Robert Zaller and a student who allegedly did not perform the traditional kissing of the rings when visiting Fryz’s office hours.
Circled at the bottom of the list in dark red ink was the name of University of Pennsylvania President, Amy Gutmann.
“The most disturbing thing is that this sicko hid clues in plain sight,” investigator Mobert Bueller said. “‘Ambition Can’t Wait’? That’s been a hint all along.”
“There are 19 characters in Ambition Can’t Wait, including spaces. There are also five syllables in the phrase. If you add 19 and five together, you get 24. Place two zeros in the middle of that and you get 2004— the same year Amy Gutmann started her role as President of the University of Pennsylvania. You can’t make this stuff up.”
The recent unfortunate events at Penn, including religious fundamentalist protests and dining hall-linked illnesses, were likely orchestrated by Fryz in an attempt to make Gutmann look really, really bad compared to the big-brained leadership at Drexel.
While investigators have not yet determined a motive, they believe Fryz’s tenure as vice president at the University of Pennsylvania may have something to do with it.
“We know he was eyeing the presidency for himself, and we know he and Ms. Gutman had their disagreements. What drove him to do this remains to be seen.”
Investigators are also trying to link the disappearance of the Tau Kappa Epsilon alumni board, who entered the President’s office only to never return. The deed to the TKE house was mysteriously transferred to the university after their disappearance.
If convicted, Fryz is facing at least 30 days in prison and a $5,000 fine for libel.