Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year.
President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the street shortly after the announcement singing, “money money money money, MONEY,” while clutching fist-fulls of cash.
With this being the largest incoming class Drexel has ever seen, The Rectangle set out to find how the recruitment campaign was so successful.
“We really focused on finding ‘right-fit’ students (a.k.a. suckers) to add to the class roster for next year. We personalized the visits of each prospective student this recruitment cycle, depending on how much their parents make in a year”, Freake said in an interview with The Rectangle. “Ambition Can’t Wait, and neither can I to fill up these coffers. I’m very well-endowed, folks — and I’m not just talking about what’s in my pants.”
Dean Thimble made it clear she wasn’t sure how they actually bought our bullshit, or, what kind of sucker would pay the crazy inflated tuition here, but was happy with the outcome.
“Listen, I don’t care how or why students decided on Drexel. All that matters is top administrators like me get a big fat bonus check at the end of the year. Oh wait, this isn’t on the record is it?” Thimble asked The Rectangle reporter.
To attract an ungodly number of potential students, Drexel completely overhauled its recruitment communications and literature, opting for flat-out lies rather than statistics. A group of incoming engineering freshmen told The Rectangle they are excited for the numerous weekend pool parties, 24/7 free booze, easy-A classes and 5 to 1 hot-female to male ratio they read about in Drexel’s brochures.
Despite the success of the campaign, students and faculty alike raised concerns over where these incoming students would live. Executive director of residential living, Helen Packemin, was optimistic, however.
“Cram ‘em into sardine cans for all I care,” Packemin said.
The Resident Life Office later revealed plans to turn remaining campus green spaces into trailer parks for freshman students. Rooms will be 75-square-foot, quadruple-occupancy “micro-rooms” for maximum space efficiency.
“Here’s a quick history lesson for you kids”, Packemin said, “ever heard of Hoovervilles?”
Drexel also noted that even with increased revenue, it’s still going ahead with proposed budget cuts and cost increases.
“Hey look, we already jammed these budget cuts through every committee and department you can think of. There’s not a chance in hell I’m giving this cash back after all that work; it’s going straight into my salary”, Fries told The Rectangle.
Fries also said he expects to see a dismal 3 percent retention rate but has a contingency plan to continue harvesting revenue from failed students called “Drop-Out, Cash-In.”
“Additionally, since we have no intention of actually retaining all 6,000 students, we plan to optimize revenue by selling off burnt-out students to factories in several third-world countries after collecting their tuition money. Now that’s what I call a First-Year Experience!”
The university says it plans to find even more ways to exploit students for money in the coming months and is excited to do so.