In a (not so shocking) turn of events, Drexel University President John Frye has signed a contract with the United States Construction corporation to turn the University City campus of Drexel into a themed amusement park, supposedly the largest and most theatrical amusement park in the Northeast United States. 

Reports released by esteemed paparazzi website TMZ following intense stalking of Frye to his double decker limousine on his way home from work were released last Thursday and reported the president seeming “very flustered” and “declining a comment on the matter.” 

Further probing of the president after interrupting his nightly skincare routine yielded surprising insights. First, the area being demolished are all the academic buildings not limited to popular student destinations: the newly built Disque Hall, newly renovated Lebow Engineering building and in-need of service Lebow Business School. Thankfully the main building will remain intact, all but the president’s office remaining with the rest being turned into a hotel for amusement park goers when in need of some rest and relaxation. 

The Rectangle was able to secure an exclusive interview with President Frye (taped and soon to be released in theaters this May) discussing the implications of this news on the Drexel staff and student body.

“We would like to formally transition the roles of the staff from their current positions to new managerial positions around the amusement park” Frye stated. He went on to describe new job opportunities around the park, including medical services being the College of Arts and Sciences Faculty, tour guides being the Communications department, and ride engineering and upkeep by the College of Engineering. Of course, business and marketing professors will take on a large role in broadcasting the greatness of the park nationwide. With this new venture, Frye hopes to transition Drexel into a relevant player in Universities around the country, an honor reserved to a select few prestigious universities. The end goal, said Frye, is to “surpass Upenn in money collected without the need for an actual education or place to teach.”

As for the students, Frye outlined his expectations for amusement park attendance and involvement. 

“Students will be expected to attend the amusement park for a minimum of 20 hours a week for each 10 week park period. The estimated cost of attendance per park period will be around 100,000 dollars and attendance is mandatory. Its the consequence of unfortunate financial circumstances that the University finds itself in. We have to keep the park running somehow!” Frye declined to comment on the cost of creating, constructing, and maintaining the amusement park. 

Following the announcement of this amusement park to the University, students and faculty had 5 business days to decide on whether they wanted to stay with the University or become unemployed college dropouts. The choice was very difficult for many students, reports say, with students heavily weighing the small price of 100,000 dollars compared to a lack of experience to put on their resumes. “Real world experience” as President Frye emphasized throughout the interview. 

As for what the amusement park would contain, Frye outlined a plan he said he decided “on a whim.” First, the ACC housing sites The Summit, UCross and Chestnut to be transformed into hotel services immediately. Students are to assist in this transition and the construction of the buildings. Then all academic buildings are to be torn down (except for the bio wall in PISB and the Starbucks in Lebow Business of course) in favor of amusement park rides that extend many stories above ground (with students having access to a select few below ground level). 

All in all, the amusement park puts Drexel at the catalyst of all the innovation happening around the country. Who knows what the future holds with this wonderful opportunity for excellence and prestige like never before.