Photo Courtesy:  Monet Baggs

Photo Courtesy: Monet Baggs

Drexel University has launched a new giving campaign directed at prospective students under the name “#myfuture.” The #myfuture campaign encourages prospective students to make donations in addition to their $50 application fee to “ensure their future at Drexel University.”

The campaign has been touted by DrexelNow as a revolutionary new way to raise funds for the perpetually cash-strapped University, which has one of the highest tuition costs in the country. Between #mylegacy, #myfuture and a soon-to-be initiated alumni donation campaign, #thankgoditsover, Drexel will be one of the first universities to encourage giving throughout the entire life of a student.

Students’ opinions are mixed about the new program. “I think it’s important that students show that they are really dedicated to Drexel before attending and show their school spirit. I’ve already contributed hundreds of dollars to the #mylegacy campaign, and I would have certainly contributed to #myfuture had it been around at the time,” freshman nursing major Connie Lingus said.

“Hashtag I am a Dragon,” she added.

Other students aren’t so sure. Sophomore electrical engineering major Mike Hunt commented, “If I were asked to give while in high school to apply for Drexel, I would punch them. Even if they asked me now, in college, I would still punch them.”

When informed that the school was asking them to give right now through the #mylegacy campaign, Hunt went to President Juan Fry’s office hours and punched him, and was expelled.

Undergraduate Student Government Association President Karl Mouray offered his opinion as well: “We support the University’s decision to do whatever it is they did and believe their reasoning to be just and correct. Siding with the administration on issues is our top priority here at USGA, and we will work hard to side with the administration on issues going forward.”

Parents are being asked to donate too. The Rectangle contacted parents of prospective student John Jackson who have gone all-in on the #myfuture campaign.

“Drexel is little Johnny’s number one school, so we’re doing all we can with #myfuture. We’ve sold the television, the car and put a second mortgage on the house all so Johnny can get into Drexel. We’re so proud of him, but recognize that getting into the best school takes sacrifice.”

Donations have already been pouring in, and the University isn’t pulling punches with solicitation letters. One letter was accidentally addressed to The Rectangle’s office, and when opened, contained a message on kindergarten-ruled paper reading “i want to go to drexel here is a donayshun[sic]” and several crayon drawings of hundred-dollar bills.

The Rectangle made a trip to the influential Office for Fucking Over Students to chat with the initiator of the program, Vice President for Fucking Over Students Hugh Janus.

Janus keeps a spare office, furnished only with a desk, a single chair and two pictures, one of the Drexel Shaft and the other a portrait of P.T. Barnum, captioned “There’s a sucker born every minute.” The only other items of note are several bulging brown bags with green dollar signs on them lying around the office.

“Project Stockholm Syndrome [Editor’s note: a Drexel internal name for the #mylegacy campaign] was so successful that we decided that the next logical step was to extend the program to prospective students and parents. With our new program, Project Pizzo, students will be able to ensure their future at Drexel University,” Janus commented.

When asked whether donations would be counted in favor of a student’s admission status, Janus had this to say, “Of course not. Drexel University will not be swayed by donations, and only the best will be considered for admission. All we can say is that it would be a shame if a student didn’t donate, and maybe their application was overlooked, or misplaced. A crying shame, really.”

Janus went on to elaborate on future plans from OFOS for fundraising, including requiring students to use a new University-controlled bank with a negative APY and automatically deducting one point from the GPA of students who do not participate in the existing #mylegacy campaign. OFOS is also toying with the idea of revoking diplomas from alumni who do not participate in the new #thankgoditsover campaign, launching in late 2015.

Asked how his office intended to manage backlash from students and alumni, Janus cackled manically, then pressed a button on his desk and a trap door opened under this reporter, depositing him in the dumpster behind the Main Building, where he was beaten senseless by Public Safety officers, as is the standard procedure when dismissing student visitors from OFOS. This reporter noted that unlike our last interview with OFOS, this time the officers were armed with batons.