After facing five years of double secret probation for failing to comply with Drexel University’s alcohol policy, respected fraternity Tau Epsilon Epsilon Kappa has bought the university and overturned the punishment. The fraternity reports that this transaction was funded by alumni donations.

“I think it really is a testament to the importance of self-reliance. When our backs were up against the wall due to these discriminatory charges, the brothers of TEEK joined together in solidarity and self-improvement,” Tucker Conroy, a brother of the fraternity, said.

Beta Tau — Drexel’s TEEK chapter — has announced several policy changes for the school in light of the administrative transition. All on-campus housing will be prioritized for TEEK brothers.

“Our hope is to fully gentrify several square blocks around the center of Drexel’s campus, better realizing the racial, gender and class benefits allotted to the Beta Tau brothers,” an unnamed officer of the fraternity said. “Ideally, we’ll be able to host some really lit block parties.”

Additionally, a constant and mandatory initiation period will be enforced, although acceptance rates will remain the same.

“Some call it sadistic, but I think there’s a real joy in wholly submitting yourself to superiors in an attempt to win their favor and enter their ranks,” a member named Dirk Jannson said. “When I was first rushing, I was rejected from FUK for, as they said, ‘appearing too overtly rapey.’ It’s taken a lot of self-improvement for me to get better at hiding it, and I want to instill that same determination in every student at Drexel.”

Meanwhile, the university’s previous administrative board hope this signifies the turning of a new leaf for the troubled chapter, which has been linked to several accusations of rape and arrests for the sale of cocaine.

“They’ve gotten into some ethical quandaries, but I think they’re good boys,” an administrator said as he packed his desk. “They’re very committed to purchasing goodwill in the community, and I think that’s commendable.”

There has been some outcry from the student body, particularly women.

“It’s regrettable, but for my own safety, I plan on remaining west of 35th Street, and drinking only from a personal flask at all times,” an anonymous female sophomore said.

Other students, however, are impressed.

“To be honest, I don’t blame them,” Caleb Scarron, a member of another fraternity at Drexel said. “We’ve been champing at the bit for a reason to justify buying the school and extending our Greek influence, but the best man won.”

Some students are even cautiously optimistic.

“Yeah, the housing situation sucks, but we should get some pretty great parties out of it,”Zach Clemont, a pre-junior business engineering major commented. “As long as the door fee remains $5 for men and ingestion of Ambien for women, this is really going to shake up Drexel’s sense of school spirit.”