In a move designed to decrease students’ post-graduation debt burdens and to increase Drexel’s affordability, the University has decided to lower tuition significantly for the 2015-16 academic year. This action, unprecedented in the modern academic world, comes as a result of the University becoming more acutely aware of the problems faced by recent graduates and the burst of the student loan bubble likely to come.

“Drexel University was founded on the principle of being an affordable school for the working class,” Drexel President Curly Fries said. “As such, it is inappropriate for our school to have one of the highest tuitions in the nation, and the board and I have made the decision to lower tuition for the 2015-16 academic year.”

Photo Credit: Suzie Samson

Photo Credit: Suzie Samson

Drexel’s tuition will be lowered to match tuition at similar institutions in Philadelphia, such as Temple University and Community College of Philadelphia . The school will make up the loss through income from land leased to American Campus Communities and private donations. In addition, the cost of the mandatory freshman dining plan will be brought in line with national standards to make it more appealing to students.

A statement from the Office of the Provost read, “We believe that lowering our students’ financial burdens will put them in a better position to succeed after college. Leaving our students with $250,000 of nondismissible student loan debt is no way to put them on a track to achievement. Plus, students unburdened by debt will be in a better financial position to donate to the University in the future!”

Students have been divided on the decision. Freshman business student Jack Johnson said, “Lowering tuition is bad for business. The only way to ensure our school remains solvent is to suck the students dry. If you didn’t get a full academic scholarship, well, that’s just capitalism, buddy. Fuck you, I got mine!”

Sophomore environmental sciences major John Jackson had a different opinion: “It’s the corporations, man! In league with big academia! Fascist pigs!”

These developments have also come under fire from some members of the administration. Perhaps no one has been as vocal as the very influential Office for Fucking Over Students. Reporters from The Rectangle went to OFOS, and met with Director Hugh Janus.

Janus said, “Drexel has a proud and long-held tradition of fucking students over. Ever since A.J. Drexel first impoverished a generation of Irish immigrants with student loan debt and unmarketable skills, we have been striving to fuck students over in new and more creative ways. This year we’ve been trying to implement a plan to ‘encourage’ students to donate their own co-op money to the University, and next year we hope to eliminate paid co-ops entirely. Lowering tuition is a huge step backward.”

Janus then pressed a button on his desk, and The Rectangle’s reporters fell through a trapdoor into a dumpster next to the food truck alleyway, where they were beaten up by Public Safety officers.