At the beginning of March, Uber Eats rolled out their new autonomous delivery robots in Center City, Philadelphia. The robots use LIDAR sensors and cameras to navigate city sidewalks at about five miles per hour, and do not require tips.

However, the city’s response to these robots has been less than welcoming. Almost immediately, all of the Uber Eats robots were assaulted by local residents, leaving the machines destroyed beyond repair. 

Despite Philadelphia being the city with the highest usage of Uber Eats nationwide, city residents were not keen on these new delivery bots. One resident, Benjamin J. Simmons shared his experience with the new delivery system.

“I was walking to Rittenhouse with my boys when we saw this stupid little robot trying to get past us. We did what any reasonable person would do and immediately pulled out our hammers and just started wailing on it. I didn’t even know what it was but it had Taco Bell inside. Like a piñata.”

Uber spokesperson Del Iver said the company accounted for some backlash, citing the 2015 HitchBOT incident, but was hoping that introducing them well after the conclusion of the Philadelphia Eagles’ season would give them a chance to survive.

“We thought the City of Brotherly Love would be calm,” Del added, “As long as we didn’t have to worry about riots when the Eagles win or riots when the Eagles lose, our robots would thrive.”

Uber has since doubled down, vowing to send more robots to the city, this time armed with MSG 46-Series Turret Systems which they are hoping will dissuade local passersby from fucking with them.

Simmons replied, “You don’t want this smoke. Keep these clankers out of my city.”

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