SEPTA has opened a new “giant fucking hole” pop-up at the former Wawa site at 34th and Market Streets, and it is quickly becoming the hottest attraction on campus.

“We understand that many people were hoping to see an expansion of the SEPTA Store here in University City so they could ironically buy transit-themed shot glasses. Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, we were unable to bring that to University City, but we are proud to be launching this limited-time-only gaping chasm in the sidewalk instead,” SEPTA spokesperson Andre Bush told The Rectangle.

SEPTA estimates the hole will be open until fall 2028. 

“Every time SEPTA gets an opportunity to meaningfully improve the streetscape, we jump at it,” Bush said. “We think that this big-ass chasm in the middle of a heavily-used sidewalk will really shape campus in a positive way while it remains open.”

The yawning canyon has gotten rave reviews so far on campus. 

“Walking past it has consistently been the highlight of my day,” first-year Michael David told The Rectangle. “And I love having a reason to use different staircases to get out of 34th Street Station now — it’s been super refreshing.”

“I actually took a girl there on a date the other night,” fifth-year Phillip Stephens told The Rectangle. “It was super romantic, and it went really well, because it was only the first hole I saw that night.”

It even offers a unique way ahead of America 250 to see through layers of Philadelphia history, including historic bricks, cobblestones, garbage, and other filth beneath the sidewalk.

“It’s like it was made for me,” said third-year student Ito Junji, mesmerized.

“Just don’t fall in. You will probably die,” Bush emphasized, “and I’m not sure we’re insured for that. Seriously, don’t. You might think we’ll cash you out for it, but we’re not good for it. My last paycheck bounced.”

The massive fucking crater was also touted by accessibility advocates as a win. When the gaping hole pop-up’s time ends, a new elevator will be installed with platform access to 34th Street Station.

“We figured we might as well do it while we’re in there,” Bush said.

“It’s incredibly inspiring to see SEPTA entering the 20th century,” said organizer and transit advocate Bus Ryder. “The only questions now are, who the hell wants to take the subway? And is there even going to be a SEPTA by the time they’re done?”

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