Queen Photography The Rectangle President Curly Fries was determined to give Drexel the best Spring Jam in University history, so he booked the great Beyoncé herself,to be accompanied by recently exposed lover Chiddy Bang.

Queen Photography The Rectangle
President Curly Fries was determined to give Drexel the best Spring Jam in University history, so he booked the great Beyoncé herself,to be accompanied by recently exposed lover Chiddy Bang.

Ring the Alarm! Campus Activities Board announced Sunday, March 31 that Beyonce will be performing at this year’s 2014 Spring Jam, and everyone on campus is asking, “What took so long?”

According to Queen Bey, she and legendary rapper and husband Jay-Z have recently split, due to an affair with former Drexel student and now-rapper, Chiddy Bang.

Beyonce was last in Philadelphia with then-husband Jay-Z for his Made in America production. In an exclusive interview with The Rectangle, the Queen of All Music Ever confessed that at that September show she, “fell in love with Philadelphia and fell in love with Chiddy.”

Chiddy Bang, a New Jersey native, convinced Beyonce that a show at what would have been his alma mater would be well worth it. He performed at Homecoming in 2009 and said, “It was the most exhilarating show I’ve ever done.”

As drunk in love as this independent woman is with Philadelphia and her new beau, though, she won’t be coming to Drexel without a price.

A recent University of Pennsylvania Daily Pennsylvanian article titled, “Why we can’t have Beyonce: A look at SPEC’s budget” said that in order to “put a ring on it,” Beyonce is rumored to cost between $1 and $3 million per appearance. The Daily Pennsylvanian said, “The Social Planning and Events Committee would have to spend more than 11 times its $175,000 Spring Fling grant to afford Queen Bey’s reported $2 million dollar fee.”

So how can Drexel afford to pay the only child of Destiny that ever mattered?

President Curly Fries is eager to make Spring Jam the best thing Penn never had, and has been saving up for the opportunity to hire a big-name headliner to out-do their infamous Spring Fling.

“We consistently hire shitty, remotely known artists for our Midnight Madness, Homecoming and Spring Jam so as to be under budget. We then put the rollover funds into a separate account with the hopes to some day pay for a name that even the most prestigious institution in the area cannot afford. A name like Beyonce,” he said in an interview with The Rectangle.

According to Fries, the rollover funds are not the only ones to go into the account. The difference from tuition increases add to the account, as do the costs for replacement Dragon Cards (a steep $20 compared to other universities), and the profusion of money saved by hiring an excess of underqualified adjunct professors.

“We even instituted a new rule that freshmen and sophomores must live on campus and pay increased student housing fees for Chestnut Square to bring in more revenue that would be placed into the account,” Fries explained.

After learning about the account, senior economics major Darcie Hermann has a new appreciation for Drexel.

“All this time I thought we were getting shafted over and over again, but now that I know Drexel is prioritizing our entertainment over the reputation of our academic programs, I feel much more comfortable continually giving the University more money than my education is worth.”

Senior bullshit major Stephen Davidson fan-girled hard when he heard the news that Yonce was coming to town.

“Eeeeek!” he said. “We share the same birthday! I’m drunk! I’d fucking put a ring on it!”

The concert date and time is undecided, but it will be in the usual parking lot.

“I don’t love the grime,” Beyonce said, “but I’m willing to take the glamor down a notch for students of Drexel. It’s people like you that accepted my Baby Boy, after all.”

Tickets will be available online at a first come, first serve basis, with priority given to those that submit a video of them performing a rendition of their favorite Bey song. Video submissions will be projected on the wall of Nesbitt Hall to promote the upcoming show.