Nothing beats the excitement of going to your first basement show in West Philly. The muffled music bleeding up from the floorboards, crowds of people getting drunk in the kitchen and the sweat-filled basements are all factors that make West Philly basement shows so unique and exciting. You know it’s a good one when it’s so gross and sweaty that precipitation starts dripping off the basement ceiling. That was until a local asshat decided to mosey on into a local punk rock show at 40th and Brandywine streets.

It began when someone in the house noticed a person anxiously pacing around outside, switching his anxious gaze back and forth between his phone and a car parked in front of a fire hydrant. Before they knew it, the individual was making his way towards the house.

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DANGEROUS IT IS TO BE BLOCKING THE DOORWAY LIKE THAT?” the asshat said to a couple making out at the front door. Many students say the asshat stumbled into the house without seeming to have any knowledge of where he was going or what he was doing.

“HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PHONE? I NEED TO TO REPORT THIS VIOLATION,” he screamed as he collapsed in the middle of the kitchen, as per eyewitnesses.

The asshat was later found crying in a corner of the basement, banging his head on the concrete wall after counting how many people were on the stairs. The crowd would periodically look back at the crumpled mess of the asshat who would still be banging his head on the cement wall.

“YEAH MOM, THEY ARE SMOKING WITHIN MERE FEET OF THE HOUSE’S ENTRANCE, AND THERE ARE AT LEAST 15 PEOPLE HERE WITH A RED CUP. I DON’T WANNA DIE. PLEASE PICK ME UP,” the asshat yelled on the phone according to students.

“Is that why that kid was crying? I heard him screaming about the batteries in the fire alarm so I stopped making eye contact,” a student told The Rectangle.

“I was on the back porch when I saw him come out back. He was saying something along the lines of ‘THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE OCCUPYING THIS BACKYARD. WE ALL MUST LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY TO ALLEVIATE THIS DANGEROUS CONGESTION,’” another party-goer told us.

The asshat only decided to leave after a light blue prius with a horn blaring “La Cucaracha” came to his rescue. The asshat made sure to yell “HAVE FUN IN PRISON, CRIMINALS!” through the prius’ sunroof and topped it off with a strong dab. Some say the local asshat still stumbles into basement shows from time to time. Not on purpose of course.