The Happy Haps
Jawn Fries sets out to determine side effects of letting ambition wait
Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come…
Piper Upper, assistant vice director of the office of unnecessary construction, made all campus traffic lights blue and yellow April 1 in a last ditch…
Apr. 1, 2017
Teaching assistant under fire for tweet about ‘freshman genocide’
Ricky Maher-Money-Maher-Problems, a teaching assistant at Drexel, made national news this week by tweeting to thousands of followers: “All I Want for Spring Break is…
Apr. 1, 2017
Trampoline used to avoid construction
BigBounce’s biggest problem is that it got too big too fast, said Snooty Cahoots, former co-op and chairman of Bempis International and current Rectangle staff…
Apr. 1, 2017
Trump buys The Study, erects middle finger to UPenn
Real estate mogul and United States not my President Donald Trump reached an agreement April 1 with Hospitality3 to purchase The Study and transform it…
Apr. 1, 2017
Dining hall food kills students, retention rate approaches zero
“She had so much life left to live,” Toot Toot McPhee stuttered through tissues. “I mean, she was an art history major, so she was…
Apr. 1, 2017
Rich folks break ground at Poorman building site
A line of affluent middle-aged white people in expensive suits put on hard hats for no discernable reason and moved small piles of dirt three…
Apr. 1, 2017
Tenured professors hunted down, kept in dungeon
Drexel’s last tenured professor, Yuol Shit of the engineering department, announced he would be retiring early yesterday. After a buttload of pressure from the university…
Apr. 1, 2016
New Folly application helps students waste their money
In an attempt to increase competitiveness and support expanding demands for capital, Drexel’s administration has begun using a new app that targets areas for the…
Apr. 1, 2016
Students found not guilty of hazing
The Drexel Judicial Committee investigated several reports of hazing this week within Drexel’s chapter of the National Kanye West Appreciation Club. The committee’s official conclusion…
Apr. 1, 2016
Trampling trend sees an increased herd of followers
According to a study published by Yukon State University March 25, an increasing number of young adults across America are starting to participate in trampling,…
Apr. 1, 2016
Honors Lounge to offer open bar for smart students only
To encourage students to maintain a high grade point average and to push the barriers of their academic development, the Honors Lounge has always provided…
Apr. 1, 2016
Return from co-op hospitalizes students
As of April 1, 2016, more than one hundred Drexel University students have been hospitalized with an ailment that is believed to be connected with…
Apr. 1, 2016
Fast food chains to replace the Hans, students rejoice
In a burst of unprecedented action, Shodickso Ltd. recently cancelled its contract with Drexel Dining, ending the era of the Handschumacher Dining Hall. The Hans…
Apr. 1, 2016
Fries to reveal his sexy side at Drexel Drag Show
President Frizzle Fries has been in the University City spotlight in recent weeks after a UPS delivery mistake outed him as the Office of Student Life’s…
Apr. 1, 2015
New after-death housing requirement now enforces triple grave occupancy
In an unprecedented move to further its control on housing for students, Drexel University announced March 13 via email that construction had begun to turn…
Apr. 1, 2015
President Fry does the Philly Naked Bike Ride
Drexel University President Juan Fry announced in January he was going to participate in the Philadelphia Naked Bike Ride in order to raise money for…
