Your One and Only
Squeegee Beckenhiem

Main Complainer
Aim Peter

Waste of Space
Noar Noar

Editorial Extraordinaire
Tom Phord

The Fetchest Betch
Caux Caux Chanel

McDonald’s In-House Stylist
Alexander MacQween

Fashun’s Baddest Bitch
Donatella Versassy

Penne Alla Vodka

Disgraced Former Editor
Jens Möøsëskäånd

Chief Executive Intern
LL Cool J R. R. Tolkein

Staff Jew
Jeremiah Bullfrog

Staff Mom
Shaw T. Monee

Staff Proctologist
Snooty Cahoots

Ghost Bear
Shanye Gostisbehere

Tinfoil Hat Wearer
Hobo Jim

Chief Astrologist
Furkan Aldemir

Tank Engine
Thomas The

Big Man
Gary Walsh

Brodie Broadus

Secret Agent
Michael Scarn

Fairytale Contributor
Peter Pan

Criminal Informant
Fuzzy Dunlop

That guy in your Poli Sci Class
James Smith

Resident Bro-man-dude
Rodd Shaftman