Several prominent Drexel University professors have been caught red-handed at the center of one of the Drexel largest scandals of all time. According to University officials, tenured faculty from almost every department were using popular insider-trading platform Polymarket to bet on their student’s performance in their classes, while purposefully adjusting their grades. 

Professors were said to be wagering sums upwards of $10,000 per student, manipulating markets to receive lucrative payouts when students inevitably failed. 

The racket was initially conceived as a ten-week get rich quick scheme: silently place bets that students would fail specific classes, then manipulate grades to ensure the bets hit, then profit. 

Initially, professors were committed to artificially lowering student grades in order to ensure the bets hit. Quickly, however, they realized that the plan would come to fruition with next to no intervention.

“The sad part is, we didn’t even have to do anything to fail these kids. I stopped handing out partial credit for bullshit and that’s literally all it took,” said one anonymous teacher embroiled in the scandal. 

While administration initially became suspicious as class averages dropped across the board, professors quickly realized they could simply pick some students to pass regardless of the work they turned in, based solely on personality.

“We realized if we picked some particularly stupid students who consistently failed, we could make super high margins betting on them receiving an A+.”

Unfortunately for these professors, students started to catch on. One particularly disgruntled student shared their exasperation.

“I was getting straight B+s! Then all of a sudden I start turning in photo-realistic photos of my favorite My Little Pony characters having intercourse for all of my math assignments and suddenly I’m failing the class?! I knew something had to be going on”

In response to this scandal, Drexel administrators are currently drafting a strongly-worded email asking the professors involved to stop.

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