Get ready to unleash your inner Freak! Sheetz has announced its plans to establish its first Philadelphia location at 34th and Market Street, redeveloping a parking lot. While the ravenous hordes of students are thrilled, the move will surely escalate the bloody, ongoing turf war with rival convenience store chain Wawa.

“We’re very excited to be coming to University City and serving new customers at Drexel University,” a Sheetz representative said. “We can’t wait to introduce you all to the Freak life!” 

Yes, Sheetz’s mascot is a freaky little red puppet. Look it up.

“We believe that with some thoughtful landscaping, it will also really enhance the streetscape,” the representative added. “I mean, talk about that rendering! Can you believe how well it came out? Even the gas prices are accurate. Isn’t Gemini really impressive? Shit. I mean… our human graphic designer — who is named Gemini — is uh, really good at what she does.” 

We at The Rectangle have to agree that the artfully crafted rendering, created entirely by human hands, is amazing.

“We figured that this is the best possible use for the site, better than we could have possibly imagined, ” a Drexel University spokesperson told The Rectangle. “While we weren’t involved with the planning process directly, this furthers a number of the University’s strategic development initiatives. Now, Market Street drivers will be able to fuel up and go back to running red lights and speeding more conveniently than ever.” 

Crumb Bum, a panhandler, expressed gratitude for the new convenience store’s opening. “Both 7-Elevens have been mobbed with other panhandlers since Wawa closed, and it’s been two people to a lane on 34th Street. I really can’t compete when they have a funny sign, or a dog, so to be getting another convenience store back is a godsend.”

Wawa declined to comment, indicative of the blood feud between the brands. 

“Sheetz clearly saw an opening in Wawa’s moment of weakness,” said Mora Leecompromised, an expert in military tactics and Lockheed Martin Endowed Professor of Collateral Damage at Drexel University. “As Mao Zedong wrote, ‘when the enemy retreats, we pursue.’”

The assertive move by Sheetz threatens to bring the shadow conflict between the food-and-gas rivals into the open. Since opening a Montgomery County location across the street from a Wawa early this year, the region has been terrorized by a spate of car bombings and letter bombs, and employees of both stores have been attacked in public by masked thugs with few facing consequences.

The most recent act of violence was the attempted assassination of Wally Goose, Wawa’s mascot, outside his Berwyn home. The bombing plot was foiled, but the perpetrators remain at large.

In other news, SEPTA has turned the former Wawa across the street into a pop-up — see “SEPTA opens.”

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