Ricky Maher-Money-Maher-Problems, a teaching assistant at Drexel, made national news this week by tweeting to thousands of followers: “All I Want for Spring Break is Freshman Genocide.” “Nah, bro. I totally didn’t mean it like that,” Maher-Money-Maher-Problems told a Rectangle reporter, shaking his head. “Does anyone understand what the term ‘freshman genocide’ means? Of course […]

BigBounce’s biggest problem is that it got too big too fast, said Snooty Cahoots, former co-op and chairman of Bempis International and current Rectangle staff proctologist. Cahoots, also a senior Badidea entrepreneurship student, stood at the foot of Mario, the university dragon mascot, watching students hurl themselves onto a large trampoline he’d stretched between Mario’s […]

Real estate mogul and United States not my President Donald Trump reached an agreement April 1 with Hospitality3 to purchase The Study and transform it into a bigger hotel that will also feature a strip mall and club. This came as a shock to the university community, as the hotel just announced its opening one […]

“She had so much life left to live,” Toot Toot McPhee stuttered through tissues. “I mean, she was an art history major, so she was going to starve to death anyway, but … it was just too soon,” she cried, inconsolable at the death of her “bestie for life,” Marsha Brady. It has now been […]

A line of affluent middle-aged white people in expensive suits put on hard hats for no discernable reason and moved small piles of dirt three inches from where they originally were as part of the Poorman groundbreaking ceremony March 20. The Poorman Building and Poorman Quadrangle’s renovation was put in motion when the Poorman family […]

Drexel’s last tenured professor, Yuol Shit of the engineering department, announced he would be retiring early yesterday. After a buttload of pressure from the university (new severance package offers were being discretely jammed under his office door every morning) Shit agreed to “just get the goddamn thing over with already”. Administrative officials have been slowly […]

In an attempt to increase competitiveness and support expanding demands for capital, Drexel’s administration has begun using a new app that targets areas for the University to levy fees, termed “impositions,” on the student body. Planned to be enacted in the 2016-2017 academic year, proposed tariffs include a cover charge for the Handschumacher Dining Center, […]

The Drexel Judicial Committee investigated several reports of hazing this week within Drexel’s chapter of the National Kanye West Appreciation Club. The committee’s official conclusion was that the hazing was brought on by one of the organization’s former candidates. However, the committee determined that there was in fact no hazing, outlined in their unofficial report. […]

According to a study published by Yukon State University March 25, an increasing number of young adults across America are starting to participate in trampling, a raunchy activity wherein two or more individuals derive joy from trampling on someone’s back in heels or being trampled upon, respectively— whether at parties, clubs, the office or in […]

To encourage students to maintain a high grade point average and to push the barriers of their academic development, the Honors Lounge has always provided several fine amenities, including free printing, tutoring sessions and occasionally, coffee and donuts. However, to compete with the growing diversity of amenities offered at schools around the country, the Panini […]