After a long, grueling campaign to stave off financial ruin, The University of Pennsylvania’s historied newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian has run out of money. The newspaper desperately grasped for life after almost running going broke a few months ago. They ended up raising over $19,000 in a few weeks, mostly because everyone just wanted to […]

News rolled in earlier this week when President Daddy Fryz decided to take to an impromptu podium assembled in front of the Dragon statue where all the construction is. Over the sound of a cacophony of jackhammers and grown men ogling barely legal students, our fearless king, lord and savior did make a decree. In […]

President Daddy Fryz was escorted out of Main Building in handcuffs the morning of April 1 after an extensive assisination plot was uncovered, police say. The conspiracy unraveled last Thursday when a Drexel University Facilities worker was repairing a broken drawer in the President’s office. When the worker removed the drawer, he noticed a hand-written […]

Students of the College of Arts and Sciences — especially the biology and chemistry kids, since they are the ones who spend the most time in the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building — were shocked when they got an email from the dean of CoAS announcing that the Biowall is going to be replaced with plastic […]

Drexel University is well-regarded for its rigorous, fast-paced academics, its extensive community involvement and service, and its worldwide cooperative education program. But Drexel recently placed extremely high on a brand new U.S. News Colleges Ranking — for Biggest College Campus Construction Projects. Drexel’s landed in first place on the list for the numerous, never-ending, costly […]

Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the street […]

Piper Upper, assistant vice director of the office of unnecessary construction, made all campus traffic lights blue and yellow April 1 in a last ditch effort to increase school spirit. Following poor attendance at every sporting event, campus bonding activity and university pride orgies, every traffic light on campus now hypnotically flashes Drexel colors, thanks […]

After facing five years of double secret probation for failing to comply with Drexel University’s alcohol policy, respected fraternity Tau Epsilon Epsilon Kappa has bought the university and overturned the punishment. The fraternity reports that this transaction was funded by alumni donations. “I think it really is a testament to the importance of self-reliance. When […]

  Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the […]

If you’re reading this right now then you must be one of The Triangle’s countless adoring fans. Sometimes it feels that The Triangle may even be getting a bit too big for their britches, and it may soon be catching up with them. An inexperienced, heartless hack of a writer who goes by the name […]