Fuck it, we ball

The “Drexel” games, the fight to the death for scholarship

In a move that has left the academic community stunned (and slightly concerned), Drexel University announced last Friday their newest innovative venture to alleviate the growing burden of student debt amongst Drexel students: the Drexel Games. According to a statement put out by the University, the Drexel Games is modeled after a very famous piece […]

Amari Williams demands tea party following practice

Drexel veteran and three time CAA defensive player of the year, Amari Williams, made headlines last week after a hard fought practice. The 6’10” senior stormed off following the team’s routine practice followed closely by Head Coach Zach Spicher who would speak with the Rectangle following the chaos.  “I’ve dealt with a lot of interesting […]

Drexel Athletics Superlatives

Division 1 athletes are local celebrities at school. They walk around with their parkas and embroidered backpacks and seem to be everywhere. After careful observation of all the athletes on campus, we decided to give all of the teams superlatives. This was 100% scientific and not at all based on vibes. I mean, what kind […]

Fans shocked, Bryce Harper signs with Yankees

Shockwaves were sent through the MLB when Bryce Harper decided to sign with the New York Yankees Feb. 28. After three months of increasing anticipation and endless speculation, Harper finally signed, agreeing to a record-breaking 13-year $330 million deal. The deal came as a shock to many as it was long rumored that Harper was […]

The Greatest of All Time, Tom Brady, is retiring

This is it. The moment all NFL fans have been waiting for, and some have even been praying for, the retirement of Tom Brady is confirmed as of March 20. The New England Patriots quarterback has had a fantastic career leading up to this announcement. Recently winning the 2019 Super Bowl, his autograph prices are […]

The King, LeBron James, is coming to Philadelphia

After an entire year with the Los Angeles Lakers, it looks like LeBron James is finally tired of their failure and has decided to come to his one true home: Philadelphia. The Sixers are welcoming him with open arms and open wallets, as it will take a lot of money to pleasure King James. Fans […]

Trump pumps up teams for NBA finals at DAC

Three-time Golden Raspberry Award winner and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump made a public appearance at Drexel University’s Daskalakis Athletic Center this St. Patrick’s Day Weekend. The Donald was acting as a celebrity referee for a charity game hosted by Drexel between the Washington Wizards and the San Antonio Spurs, in a situation described […]

Drexel football becomes Division I football team

For the first time in over 40 years, Drexel University has a Division I football team. The catch? The team’s roster consists entirely of some of the least athletic people on Drexel’s campus: members of the improvisational comedy club. Since 2005, Drexel’s student-run improv group has gone by the moniker of the “Drexel Football Team,” […]

NCAA announces March Madness bracket expansion

The National Collegiate Athletic Association has just announced that it will be expanding the teams included in the March Madness Division I men’s basketball tournament from a total of 64 in the first round to 128. This means that each quadrant will begin with 32 teams. The top 16 will be seeded according to the […]

High rate of concussions among Drexel football team

Members of the improv comedy club the Drexel Football Team have suffered a remarkable amount of concussions this year, according to a new report by their personal doctor, Fuhn E. Bones. The news comes as a shock to many, as the Football Team does not, in fact, engage in any athletic activity. Last year, it […]

Plagued by sniffles, Saric’s season is in jeopardy

Throughout his teenage years, the sniffles continued to be an issue. In more trouble injury news for the Philadelphia 76ers, power forward Dario Saric has come down with a case of the sniffles. Nearing the end of a tremendous season, Saric was noted by reporters to be touching his nose tenderly and speaking in a […]

Thompkins sets Rec record with 69 turnover week

Drexel Recreation Center’s Johnny Thompkins has been named “Athlete of the Week” for the week of March 26 – April 1 following his performance in a variety of basketball games taking place in the Rec center’s courts throughout the week. A junior communications major, Thompkins is well-known in Drexel recreational basketball circles for his game. […]

Eagles decide to tank to gain Twitter followers

Rumors are swirling throughout the Drexel University athletics world. Vague reports and first hand encounters repeatedly roll in from throughout campus, but as of yet they have been either unreliable or difficult to substantiate. But now, The Rectangle has received exclusive evidence of a fact that has been tough to prove: the existence of the […]

LaVar Ball proclaims the greatness of his daughter

LaVar Ball, the outspoken father of University of California at Los Angeles men’s basketball star Lonzo Ball, said March 29 that his daughter is better than any woman who’s ever played basketball at Drexel University. Ball’s comments came as a shock, considering the fact that he does not have a daughter. “She’s on her way, […]

Myth becomes reality: Drexel squash team spotted

Rumors are swirling throughout the Drexel University athletics world. Vague reports and first hand encounters repeatedly roll in from throughout campus, but as of yet they have been either unreliable or difficult to substantiate. But now, The Rectangle has received exclusive evidence of a fact that has been tough to prove: the existence of the […]

Drexel builds new stadium to one-up Temple

Drexel Football Team to receive new stadium, training facility Not to be outdone by Temple University’s recent decision to build a new $100 million football stadium, Drexel has decided to come up with one of their own. The new Panini-Brandywiener Dragon Stadium will be the new centerpiece of campus life according to DrexelNOW, the propaganda […]

Former men’s basketball coach Bruiser Flynt takes up knitting to fill unemployment

On March 7, 2016, Bruiser Flynt was fired as head coach of the men’s basketball team at Drexel University. For 15 years, Flynt was at the helm of the squad that, unfortunately, was unable to make an NCAA tournament appearance at any point during his run, despite a few close calls. With so much time […]

Allen Iverson agrees to become women’s basketball assistant coach

The Drexel University women’s basketball team hired Allen Iverson, the 2001 National Basketball Association’s Most Valuable Player award winner, to be an assistant coach for the 2016-2017 season on March 28. After receiving and considering offers from various high school and college programs, Iverson decided to join Drexel’s staff. Drexel’s head coach Fenise Fillon will […]

A tribute to a fan’s love of Sam Hinkie

What a time to be alive if you’re a Philadelphia 76ers fan. The team has been so bad that theyhave actually been interesting to watch. On a nightly basis we, the fans, have the unique opportunity to see if the Sixers will surpass 90 points. Papa John’s just had to take advantage of the marketing […]

M. bball hires Zach Spyker to keep name recognition

According to sources close to Drexel’s men’s basketball head coaching search, athletic director Aaric Wilmur provided search firm Parker Executive Search with just one requirement for its new coach: a name as kick-ass as, or more kick-ass than, Bruiser Flynt. Multiple sources, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of this classified information, […]

Investigation reveals reason for m. bball injury problems

A month-long investigation by The Rectangle into the training methods of the Drexel University men’s basketball team revealed that the team’s lone trainer, Maximillian Payne, was grossly negligent in his treatment of the team during an injury-plagued season. Among Payne’s various methods of dealing with nagging injuries, his most common treatment was to give players […]

Ruben Amaro Jr. finally embraces farm system

When asked about his team’s primary goals going forward during a press conference March 20, Philadelphia Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. gave a unique insight into the direction of his organization. “Right now, we’re really looking into a lot of different options going forward. We like the idea of horse-driven plows or maybe just […]

Despite detour, business as usual for men’s crew team

In what turned out to be a comical but inconsequential detour, a Drexel University crew boat accidentally rowed across the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of its spring season opener against local schools. Despite the days-long detour, the men’s varsity eight boat still finished a solid 22 seconds ahead of second-place finisher Villanova University. In […]


The Philadelphia Eagles traded head coach Chip Kelly to the Tennessee Titans March 30 in exchange for the second overall pick in the 2015 NFL Draft. In a huge move, the Eagles look poised to select University of Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota. Strangely, the man who seems to have wanted Mariota at the helm of […]

Sam Hinkie finally punished for one-sided deals

Philadelphia 76ers general manager Sam Hinkie is known for his ability to make a splash in the NBA trade market. Usually, that’s a good thing. On March 16, however, Sam Hinkie’s wheeling and dealing finally caught up to him. In light of new testimony, a judgment has been handed down to the oft-hated general manager […]

NCAA: field hockey refs constantly make up rules

In a new report released March 21 by the NCAA, it has been announced that the sport of field hockey actually does not have an official rulebook and the referees are just encouraged to make shit up as they go along. The most important part of the statement read, “There are only three rules in […]

Eagles safety was actually covering his own shadow

Eagles fans and coaching staff alike have long wondered why safety Nate Allen always seems confused and lost in coverage during games. He seems unable to actually see the receivers coming at him until they had already passed him and were on their way to a big gain. For years, he’s frustrated the team and […]

Massenat returning to Drexel, mostly for the food

Coming off a 90-81 loss to Northeastern University in the Colonial Athletic Association Tournament, Drexel men’s basketball fans were disheartened not only by their team’s loss but also by the loss of its seniors. Over the years, Dragons fans have grown to love this year’s senior class, particularly Frantz Massenat and Fist Couch. Couch, who […]

Sixers try out roster of CPU players

After losing a franchise record 22 straight games, the Philadelphia 76ers have taken their rebuilding efforts to new heights. The team announced the addition of three new computer-generated players to its roster March 21. “We decided that if we were going to treat this team like a Franchise Mode, we might as well go all […]

Drexel Athletics ditches ‘I am a Dragon’ slogan

Instead of revolting against Drexel’s mediocrity in athletics, University officials have decided to embrace it with their new slogan: “You win some, you lose some.” After one season of rolling with “I am a Dragon,” Athletic Director Dr. Zeric Willmer decided to scrap it and ask Drexel students to submit their own ideas. Pre-junior psychology […]

Phillies begin partnership with retirement home

Philadelphia Phillies fans are very familiar with the team’s partnership with Citizens Bank, as the ballpark boasts the name of the long-time sponsor. But not many are aware that the Phillies have recently reached an agreement with a local retirement home, Red River Springs, in Haverford, Pa. With the deal, the Phillies have agreed to […]

Dragons, Sixers will play in series with high stakes

The Drexel men’s basketball team finished its official schedule March 8 in the Colonial Athletic Association Tournament. But the Dragons announced March 21 that they have one more opponent to play before the true offseason: the Philadelphia 76ers. The two teams will compete in a two-day home-and-home series dubbed “Philadelphia Series of Greatness.” The games […]

Mat men excited to land prized recruit, Matt Mann

The Drexel wrestling team’s season may be over, but they are still hard at work. The mat men have landed their best recruit in head coach Matt Avocado’s young career and possibly program history, signing Matt Mann to a National Letter of Intent. Mann, the son of Leslie and Bat Mann, is a three-time state […]