Month: April 2024

Gemini

April 01, 2024 by

Feeling raunchy? That sucks! You will have your last sex today 🙁 …You might want to consider investing in a new toy (or reintroducing yourself to good ol’ Mr. Sock).

Drexel spends $500 million to buy 30th Street Station

April 01, 2024 by

In a move that has left students scratching their heads and commuters bewildered, Drexel University has announced its acquisition of the iconic William H. Gray III 30th Street Station for a staggering $500 million. University officials unveiled their grand plan to transform the bustling transportation hub into the ultimate student center, complete with gourmet dining […]

Cancer

April 01, 2024 by

Luckily for you, your sign has nothing to do with your whore o’ scope today! Yay, no cancer! (gonorrhea though…)

Sagittarius

April 01, 2024 by

The people have spoken, you are a boring prude. Today you must grab this issue by the balls and reclaim your name to fame. Go on the apps, get white girl wasted at a bar, or dial up your favorite would-fuck-anything friend so you can get your rocks off!

Drexel CCI finally cracking down on student hygiene issues

April 01, 2024 by

Amidst student complaints of deadly smells emanating from 3675 Market Street, Drexel University’s home for the College of Computing and Informatics, CCI Dean announces new policies in a hope to crack down on rampant hygiene issues. Stewie Bryant, Director of Drexel’s Bachelor’s CS Program, reflected that “even after eighty years of teaching computer science at […]

Libra

April 01, 2024 by

Being a messy homewrecker will not be in your favor today! Be forewarned… on your way are several confrontations, abuse, interventions and angry exes coming for you. So do what you must because you’re going to have a lot of stuff to “destress” from and nobody to help you do so…

Capricorn

April 01, 2024 by

Please take the day off king. Please. You’ve been going crazy for a while trying to match your body count to Bill Gates’ bank account and you need to stop and breathe. Let the bacterial infections catch up to you before you amass more STD’s than Thanos has stones!

John Frye signs contract to turn Drexel into amusement park

April 01, 2024 by

In a (not so shocking) turn of events, Drexel University President John Frye has signed a contract with the United States Construction corporation to turn the University City campus of Drexel into a themed amusement park, supposedly the largest and most theatrical amusement park in the Northeast United States. 

Two girls one (roofied) cup! PikeSpike is Back!

April 01, 2024 by

Drexel University’s Pi Kappa Alpha hosted a celebration for International Women’s Day on March 8. The fraternity, who lost their house for two years this past September, was granted a one- time exception by President John Frye to host the celebration at the vacant facility. The fraternity, also referred to as Pike, publicized the event […]