Strolling down 33rd Street, you are met with the refreshing sound of honking cars, the sight of cumbersome skyscrapers and nauseatingly delicious smells of halal. As you become immersed in these beloved city charms, you almost forget about your pathetic life as a Drexel University student until you encounter the dreaded beast on the corner […]
The economy is continuing to inflate like a balloon that is about to pop. The Drexel shaft is penetrating each one of us deeper and deeper by the day. What is one to do when funds are low and working to honestly earn what you deserve is not an option? Just waltz into a crosswalk […]
To me, “Ambition Can’t Wait” means a lot of things. It means finding a pair of my underwear floating in a mini lake in the Towers Hall laundry room. It means sleeping in the hollowed-out bookshelves of the Hagerty Library. It means biting into raw chicken from the Hans. It’s the combination of misery and […]
There are far too many University Housing options on Drexel’s campus. I can barely decide what sauces to put on my food at Cucina Zapata, so you could imagine that choosing where I’ll live in misery for an entire school year isn’t any easier. To save other students like me from this crippling indecisiveness, Drexel […]
Oh, look. Another one. Unfortunately, this is not referencing a DJ Khaled quote, but instead we’re talking about shootings. School shootings to be exact. The desensitization to school shootings has reached new heights. We seem to see it in the news, read about it online and hear people discussing it, yet we brush it off […]
Following the announcement earlier this year including Philadelphia as a candidate for Amazon’s HQ2, we would like to propose a potential location on campus. Myers Hall has long been scheduled for demolition, and its central location would be perfect for the online shopping behemoth. With easy access to the large student body for their many […]
Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the street […]
Piper Upper, assistant vice director of the office of unnecessary construction, made all campus traffic lights blue and yellow April 1 in a last ditch effort to increase school spirit. Following poor attendance at every sporting event, campus bonding activity and university pride orgies, every traffic light on campus now hypnotically flashes Drexel colors, thanks […]
The National Collegiate Athletic Association has just announced that it will be expanding the teams included in the March Madness Division I men’s basketball tournament from a total of 64 in the first round to 128. This means that each quadrant will begin with 32 teams. The top 16 will be seeded according to the […]
Members of the improv comedy club the Drexel Football Team have suffered a remarkable amount of concussions this year, according to a new report by their personal doctor, Fuhn E. Bones. The news comes as a shock to many, as the Football Team does not, in fact, engage in any athletic activity. Last year, it […]